irondad & spiderson oneshots

xxvi. masks (1)

TW: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS. the next part also needs this trigger warning.

Masks. Peter always loved masks. He loved how you could put something on to cover your face. To hide your face. And your emotions and pretty much anything. He loved Halloween; dressing up as Iron Man every year.

Even before he'd met the man, he was always a big inspiration. When Tony Stark had saved him during the Stark Expo, he didn't think life could get any better.

And it seemed like he was right. He got bit by a radioactive spider. His uncle died. He got depressed. He got bullied. But his aunt and friends were there by his side and he couldn't burden them. So he did what he always did.

He wore a mask. Not a real physical one per say, but a metaphorical mask. When all he wanted to do was cry and curl into a ball, he smiled and hid what he was feeling.

When he wanted to jump off a bridge, he laughed and joked with his friends. And then things started to get better. His smiles and laughs became less of a mask and more real.

Then he met Tony Stark. The Tony Stark. And his life was looking up. He got a new suit. He got to meet the avengers, and maybe he was fighting half of them but he still met them!

He would go to Tony's lab sometimes to work on the suit and it seemed like nothing could go wrong. He was incorrect. The whole Vulture incident happened. His mentor took the suit away and it felt like he took his soul along with it.

Peter fell into his depressed state. But then it was over and he had his suit back and Tony was offering him a spot on the Avengers. The Avengers! The heroes he'd looked up to since forever.

And he turned it down. Because why would he want Peter on the Avengers? It had to be a test. So he declined and it was confirmed that it was a test. He wondered why he had even the slightest hope that the man really thought Peter was ready.

But of course he didn't. Peter found himself wearing his mask more and more. When May asked him about his day he would ramble on and on when all he wanted to do was die.

And when his friends asked if he got his homework done he responded with "Yeah, what about you?" When in reality he was too exhausted to pick up the pencil.

And those nightmares. The ones he'd had since Uncle Ben, were back. Except this time it was the warehouse crushing him and Toomes' metal talons digging into his shoulders.

He woke up crying and gasping for breath most nights. Others, he tried not to sleep at all. He starting falling behind in school and it took a lot of strain to patrol. It took a lot of will to even pick up his utensils during meals and he started to wonder if maybe he should just be gone.

Every time he jumped from a building to swing around he sometimes pondered whether to shoot a web or not. Every time he did, he wondered if he should just let go.

But he didn't because he was Spider-Man. And superheroes didn't opt out. They weren't weak. So he tried not to be. He put makeup under his eyes and he smiled so fake he was surprised nobody saw through his mask.

He laughed and he joked and it sounded so horrible in his ears. Every laugh sounded like broken glass and every word he uttered felt flat and broken. He became more reckless.

He let the criminals get in a few extra punches. Let himself get stabbed when he could have dodged. Hesitated in front of a gun, only moving because it was aimed at his head, but he couldn't help but wonder if maybe it wouldn't be so bad.

It wouldn't have been suicide per say, he would have gone out like a hero. Like the mask he kept up. Not like the person he was behind it. But he thought of the people he'd leave behind and he caught the muggers and robbers.

Then he would make his way home, wondering every second if he'd made a mistake. He probably had. He began going to the tower more and more often, finding comfort in the man he never thought he'd be able to even meet, let alone become familiar with.

He never let down his mask in front of the man. It was Tony Stark. He'd think that a sad depressed teenager wasn't worth his time. So Peter kept up the happy chatterbox mask and pretended everything was okay.

But it was getting harder and harder to get up in the morning. It was getting harder to eat and drink. It was harder to go to school and drag himself through the day. It was harder to keep up his mask.

But he did. And nobody knew the real Peter Parker. Not even himself. When was the last time he was happy? He had no clue. When was the last time he wasn't wearing his mask? He had no clue.

Why was he even trying anymore? He had no fucking clue. And one day Flash was being a dick, no more so than usual. And May had a late shift so he wouldn't see her all day.

And his lab day with Tony was cancelled because the guy obviously had better things to do than hang out with him. And he couldn't even do his job as Spider-Man, causing three civilians their lives.

And he snapped. He cried and he dropped his mask. He wanted the hurt to stop. He didn't want to feel so useless and horrible. So he found the tallest building near him and he sobbed, pulling himself onto the ridge.

He pulled his phone from his pocket and called Ned. "Hey man, what's up?" Ned answered immediately. "Oh nothing much. Just wanted to say that I won't be at school tomorrow, i'm not feeling well." He said to his friend.

"Aw, sucks. I could bring your homework over if you'd like?" Ned suggested. "Yeah sure. You're a great friend Ned. Bye." Peter murmured, tears in his eyes. He hung up then and called May.

She didn't answer. She was at work so he had no idea why he thought she would. He left a voicemail. "Hey May, I know you're working. I just wanted to say I love you and you're the best aunt in the whole world. This isn't your fault. Goodbye i guess." He murmured, his voice cracking.

Then he dialed the last person he wanted to say goodbye to. The billionaire picked up on the second ring. "Yeah kid? I have a meeting so make it quick." Tony said lightheartedly.

Peter immediately swallowed the lump in his throat. Why would he think Tony would have time for him? "Oh, uh, it's nothing. I got to go. Goodbye." He muttered, before hanging up.

He knew that if one of them called back that he would answer and probably back down, so he took one last look at the phone before dropping it. Tears streamed down his face and he could've sworn he heard it ring as it fell.

And then he was alone with his thoughts, standing at the edge of the roof. He felt the wind rippling through his clothes and he shuffled closer, sobs ripping from his throat.

He didn't want this. He never had. But it seemed like the only thing he could do. So he closed his eyes and he fell forward. He felt so at peace as the wind enveloped him. And then the world went black and he was finally gone.

The world had never seen Tony Stark mourn like he did for Peter Parker. He had never felt so horrible and so guilty. He only wanted his kid back. He wished he had stopped him.

The thing about masks is that they don't cover the eyes. So why hadn't they seen through his mask and seen those haunted hollow eyes filled with tears? Maybe Peter was just really good with masks.

I just haven't published a chapter on this in a couple days and felt bad so I was like 'imma just start writing n see what comes to mind' but then here's this sadness and I feel even worse but here you go.