irondad & spiderson oneshots

lxxvii. not okay

TW: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS

Peter Parker was okay. Sure, he lied in bed and cried himself to sleep most nights, but he was okay. Sure, he woke with silent screams and stinging eyes, but he was okay.

Sure, his thighs and wrists were covered in red lines, but he was okay. That's what he told himself every night as he wondered whether or not he wanted to wake up in the morning.

For the longest time, the scars littering his body had been his most kept secret, up until he'd been bitten by a certain radioactive spider. Even then, people found out about his being Spider-Man eventually; Mr. Stark, Ned (he was pretty sure MJ might'be known), and May.

And Peter knew that nothing could be kept a secret forever, his vigilante acts proof of that. But just the thought of someone finding out made his heart race and his breaths become unsteady.

He really was okay. He could still smile and laugh and have secret handshakes and inside jokes, so that meant he was okay (right?). But while he had his good days, he also had his absolutely dreadful days, the days he could just barely drag himself out of bed, the days it was exhausting to even smile, let alone speak.

But he was still okay. People out there had it way worse than him and were completely fine. Speaking of his bad days, today was one of them.

The second he opened his eyes he wished he hadn't. He wanted to fall back asleep or curl into a ball and die. Tears came to his eyes of their own accord and soon they were streaming down his face.

He left for school with his arms and thighs stinging painfully beneath his clothes, but he was still okay. He faked smiles and laughs the entire day with his friends, though he was sure at least Ned knew he was off today (his friend always seemed to know).

When the school day was finally over and he was dragging himself outside, he nearly cried at seeing Happy's familiar black Audi. He couldn't put up a charade in front of them, not after such a long, trying day.

So Peter took one look at the vehicle and turned away, deciding to just walk all the way home. He put the hood up on his jacket and sighed heavily. Unbidden tears were suddenly in his eyes again because he just felt so sad.

Peter wiped his tears away, jolting in shock when a hand suddenly landed on his shoulder. "Kid." The man barked.

The teen's eyes widened as his head whipped toward the voice. "Mr. Stark?"

"Yep. Know any other amazing, handsome billionaires?" Tony teased, a small smile on his face.

"A few." Peter retorted, trying his hardest not to slip, even though all he wanted to do was sleep and cry.

"I'm hurt." The man joked, a hand over his heart, then jerked his head toward the Audi. "Did you not see us?"

"Oh, I must not have." Peter feigned ignorance.

"Well come on, it's lab day, Kiddo." Tony dropped a hand on Peter's shoulder, leading him toward the car.

The boy could feel himself crumbling, could feel his resolve withering. But for now, he smiled, however fake it may have been. He didn't speak on the ride there, receiving strange looks from both Tony and Happy, but not caring enough to try.

"You feeling alright kid?" Tony asked as they got out of the car, heading for the lab.

"I'm okay." He said truthfully, because he was.

And if the billionaire didn't quite believe him, he was too tired to notice or do anything about it.

When the pair settled into the lab, Tony turned on some music and they both began to work on their separate projects. Well, Tony did anyway.

Peter just sat there, staring at the small, unfinished contraption before him. He thought he used to know what he was planning on doing with it, but now all he could was stare at it with tears forming in his eyes.

Why today? Of all days, he had to be miserable on lab day. "Kid?"

He hadn't realized the music had stopped and his mentor was hovering awkwardly behind him. Peter sucked in a shuddering breath and dropped his head into his arms.

He could not cry in front of his mentor. "Pete?" Tony's hand was suddenly on the boy's shoulder.

That's all it took to make him finally break. Peter began sobbing into his arms, tears rolling down his cheeks. "Bambino, what's wrong?" The man murmured, sitting down beside him.

Peter stubbornly kept his head in his arms. Tony sighed and tugged the kid into his arms. He fell forward, trembling and crying into his chest. "I'm n-not okay." He admitted.

The billionaire held him tighter. "I'm really not okay. P-please help me. Help me." He begged, crying loudly.

"I've got you, Pete. You're alright." Tony whispered into his ear, running his fingers through the younger boy's curls.

"I don't know what to do." He croaked.

"I'm going to be there fo you, okay? I'm always here for you." Tony assured.

Slowly, Peter brought his arms up and returned the hug. "I'm not okay." He whispered again.

"I know, kid. I know."

Maybe he wasn't okay. But he could be, eventually.