irondad & spiderson oneshots

lxxii. they say

TW: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS

You know, they say that heroes are supposed to be perfect.

Tony could recount the exact moment he knew he loved Peter. It was a day just like any other, with the kid tinkering in his lab with him.

Tony had made some horrible joke and Peter had laughed, smiling brightly up at the billionaire.

At that moment, Peter's eyes shining and face full of delight, Tony knew he'd do anything for him.

But I never was. I didn't know how to be.

Peter was kind and adorable and everything to Tony. He was his kid. So why didn't he notice?

He didn't notice the smiles becoming more dim, or the laughs sounding more hollow.

What kind of hero stays awake for days to avoided nightmares? What kind of hero breaks down at the sight of a parking garage?

How didn't Tony notice when his kid became so jumpy and flinched at the slightest touch or sound?

Tony blamed himself, of course he did. What kind of mentor- what kind of father couldn't be there for their kid? For their son?

I just don't want to be like this anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore.

Tony guessed it was just hope, just him wishing against everything that he was okay.

That he was the happy boy he'd always known. Because of that hope, because of his naivety, the lab nights were gone.

I could never be as good as Mr. Stark or as any of the other Avengers. I'm never good enough. I just wish I was better.

Gone, were the nights where Peter would accidentally call him "Dad" because he was so sleep deprived he couldn't see straight.

Gone, were the days Tony had to carry the kid to bed after he fell asleep on him during a Star Wars marathon.

But I can't. Everything is so colorless now. I'm just not happy anymore. I don't know how to be.

Peter had never done anything but smile and laugh around Tony, so he didn't know why he couldn't decipher real from fake, why he couldn't see that his kid was struggling.

And that would probably always eat at him, tear away at his insides and make his every heartbeat pulse in agony.

It would hurt, more than anything ever before. He thought he knew pain when his team left him. He was wrong.

Pain, was the absence of adorable giggles and neverending rambles. Pain, was seeing the blue-tinted lips and never again to open eyes.

I don't know how to be okay. I just want the pain to stop. I want everything to stop.

Tony was a man who prided himself on not showing emotion, on never breaking down.

But that all flew out the door when he got that phone call. When he got that "I'm sorry for your loss."

It hurt a whole lot more when he saw him, when he saw his kid, his son, not moving.

I only know one way to make it stop. And I'm sorry. I know it's selfish but I just can't anymore.

Screw the loss of Spider-Man. Peter Parker was so much more. The kid could've become a supervillain or lost his powers completely, and Tony still would have love him with all his heart.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I love you guys. I'm sorry.

A thing that the billionaire learned after Peter died, was that he didn't know how to go on with his kid dead.

He didn't know how. So Tony closed his eyes and followed in his kid's footsteps.

I'm sorry too.

They say heroes are perfect. They weren't.