irondad & spiderson oneshots

lxxxix. heavy

TW: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS

He is heavy, Peter decides one day. Not in the physical sense. More in the sense that when he goes to get up in the morning, there's always a heavy weight holding him down. Or when a day is particularly more tiring than normal, it takes a lot out of him to just keep going, to just keep moving.

His thoughts, as jumbled and dark as they were, left his whole body feeling heavy. They felt full, like he'd explode, and they also felt so empty it hurt.

He's lying on his bed sideways now, his head dangling off the edge upside down and eyes lazily drifting over Ned, who was on the floor with his laptop, watching Star Wars instead of working on the project they were supposed to be working on.

"Hey, Ned?"

"Yeah?" His friend glances away from the computer for a moment to look at him.

"I feel heavy."

"Huh? No offense, dude, but I could pick you up with, like, my pinky."

"No," Peter scowls slightly at his friend's misunderstanding. "I mean like, mentally."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Anything I can do?" Ned asks after a small moment of contemplation.

Peter blinks, not even having thought about that. What does he need? "Can you. . . Can you just be here?" He questions hesitantly, not having the energy to hold a conversation all night.

"Of course, man. Star Wars?"

He smiles in response, and lets his eyes fall closed. He doesn't sleep, not yet. He just lies there, enjoying Ned's presence, and thankful he doesn't have to talk.

For a moment, he feels a little bit lighter.

•••

"Are you okay, Peter?" MJ asks one day at lunch, her book closed and attention focused solely on him. It felt. . . intense.

"I'm fine." He answers, like always, and he realizes that this was the first time she's called him by his full name.

The girl's gaze flicks over him, lips pursing. She tosses the apple from her lunch to him, and even though his movements are slightly sluggish, he manages to catch it. "You look like shit. Eat something."

Staring down at the shiny green fruit in his hands, he wonders. Does he really look that bad? Nothing even. . . happened. He should be fine.

The silence around them begins to feel awkward, and he realizes he hadn't responded. He plasters on a smile, and glances over at her. "I think that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me."

Ned laughs, and MJ rolls her eyes, but he notices her watching him more often after that. He gets better at keeping a smile on his face.

•••

A few weeks later, he wakes up and he feels light. He has days like that sometimes, where he can pretend that every other day, he's barely holding on.

And he feels good. He hugs his aunt in the morning with a smile, and the second he gets to school, he's rambling on about the newest Lego set to Ned.

Just like always on these days, Ned brightens at the Peter he's used to, the Peter he wishes was still there, and he's just as excited as his friend.

Even Flash's comments don't bother him much, and at Decathlon, MJ smiles at him a little bit. Feeling a flutter in his chest, he thinks that maybe, just maybe, things are starting to look up.