It's been a rough 5 months.
Maybe even a rough year.
I have been put through the ringer
Mentally and emotionally
I don't think I've ever been pushed so close to the edge before.
I'm 19 years old and my whole life was turned upside down when the whole college thing happened.
Then again when my mom decided to move down to Florida
And
When I had to give away my cat because of my mom moving.
It's been one thing after the other.
As a older teen and young a adult
Having your own life is crucial
Being semi independent or fully independent is in the end what we crave.
We need a lot of sleep ok? My doctor says 8-10 hours. Because we're growing as well as our brain. That is a reason why we can always feel or be tired.
Only now I can't sleep. I want to sleep but can't. Insomnia isn't a good friend to have
Stress
Stressing isn't good for your body
In little or big doses it doesn't matter
I started to become sick very often due to stress
I'm so anxious
About everything and everyone
I couldn't even talk to people over the phone
I'm getting so worked up over random things
Like my dad somehow dying but really he's perfectly fine. I know that I do but sometimes my brain still worries.
I'm crying.
My emotions are closer to the surface these days. I'll be fine and then be crying.
When I start I can't stop.
It's not like a adult crying it's more like a small child. I sob loud and shrill. It just gushes down my face til it's hard to breathe.
Then I'm numb.
I don't feel anything.
Sometimes it scares me other times it's surprising.
It's like the world has made me not feel anything
But the emotion or feeling always comes back.
The next emotion is anger
I'm so angry
Red hot
Quick to lash out
No thoughts
All the time
I can feel it almost bubbling up inside me
Wanting out
Needing to be out
But I don't let it
Because everyone around me says
I have no reason to be angry
Just like I have no reason to cry
Betrayal
It leaves a bitter taste
In my mouth
That I can't get rid of
Like it's always there
Reminding me it's there
Reminding me
What happened
What was said
What they did
What they did to me
What I did to them
It's ok to not be ok
Someone told me that
Maybe they are right
After everything it's okay for me to not to be okay
~Kayla
