Satan School of Sophomores

Ocean of Emotion: 10/11/14

11:29pm Saturday, October 11

I had a dream last night about the ocean. It was endless and deep blue. I stood at the edge on a white sandy beach. I would only dip my feet in, because I was scared to fall in too deep. I didn't want to go far out into the dark abyss.

When I told my mom she said perhaps the water symbolizes emotion. I said, "An ocean of emotion."

"Maybe it's that you don't want to get into deep emotions with Kota."

But, I found that silly. I've barely talked to him. I have no deep feelings for him as of now, except faint lust & a twinge of fascination.

I felt a serene, content feeling this Saturday. I was just sleeping for maybe three hours, a long warm nap on the couch in the living room. My mom was working in the kitchen in the late afternoon, and when I awoke at four o'clock, the house smelled of apples from her canning. I looked out the large 5' by 5' living room windows to see the fall leaves gracefully fluttering by. The smell and the view - it's a comfortable feeling I never want to forget.

At 4:30, I went out for my daily walk. I religiously do (at least a little) exercise every day. I set out with a blaze orange vest on and headphones in. I have to wear bright colors, because today is unfortunately opening day for deer hunting season.

My walk was uneventful but beautiful. I thought for a split second I'd miss this, but there's parks in Seattle and any other city I end up in. Maybe France. I'm kind of a Francophile. Nothing to miss really. At least in the park I won't have to dress like a lumpy neon sign with a flannel.

I am trying to figure out what to go to college for. What do I want to do with my life? It's a question that needs an answer. And quick, please. I wanted to be a surgeon for a while, but then my art teacher said, "Oh, a surgeon? How are your math and science grades?" She is dying for me to go to art school. I love her for that.

I cringed internally, but I said with a smile, "Very good! I love biology!" I just wanted her to think I had a solid plan.

Even though, truth is, I'm only okay at Algebra 2, and every time I take a biology test I miss something blatantly simple. I was excellent at geometry last year, though. From this discovery, I suppose surgeon/doctor is out of the picture.

Before doctor, for a long time, it was fashion designer. I used to draw designs every single day. Now I write almost every day, but I cannot say I have a passion for classical literature and long to be a journalist. I love To Kill a Mockingbird and Judy Blume, but that's about as classic as I get. I'm more of an alternative in nearly everything I do. Odd books with a touch of main stream best sellers. Alternative/rock/indie music with the slightest pinch of mainstream (mostly in an ironic way). And my personality. I can't place it, but it's like I step away from things. I look and see how juvenile it all is. Four years is a short time, I don't want to party too much, and I find sex to be something I don't care for doing in these few years. These are still kids. They're so young. I just want them to enjoy innocence, because soon it will all be gone away. But teenagers just want to do adult things. Why? Accept that you're still a kid, living with your parents. Savor that. Be a kid. Don't try to do nature things when you're still too immature to understand what you're doing.

And I want to be different, but am I really at all? Maybe I'm the most common teenager that ever existed. Maybe I'm so typical, so innocuous, that my life will go unnoticed and unanalyzed. Isn't there a quote? It goes something like... I'll look it up. One second.

Ah here it is:

"The unexamined life is not worth living"

-Socrates

This quote speaks to me. This is how I interpret it; I don't want to go unnoticed. I can't just grow up and get married. I want to be different. I want to be odd. I want to be remembered. For anything. For something. For me.