Satan School of Sophomores

Good Gold + Blues: 1/22/15

7:19am Thursday, January 22

Dammit, I accidentally fell on my way up the steps of the bus and flashed asshole Dustin my underwear. Fuck. I hope that prick didn't notice.
The one day his car breaks down and he rides the bus. Wow.

I listened to the song Antichrist by The 1975 and nearly burst into tears. What is wrong with me?

How can I relate to somebody who doesn't speak?
I feel like I'm just treading water
Is it the same for you?
Is it the same for you?

Is it the same for you?
Is it the same for you?
Is it the same for you?
Is it the same for you?
Is it the same for you?
Is it the same for you?

Can you please kill me?
Kill me if you hate me?
Tell me you'd do that or love me forever. I'm so fucking alone, and all I want is for someone to hug me and kiss me and tell me they love me enough for it to all work out. I want to feel like there's someone in this world who wants me here besides my goddamn parents.

2:53pm
Trevon hugged me in biology, and I -- I'm crying. I'm crying on the bus. I'm breaking code. I'm breaking my internal law. Shit.

Scarlet left a note on the table in her house telling her mother she wanted to go to school. Joy, Scarlet's exchange student, relayed that information to me. Joy seems rattled by the all-of-a-sudden actions Scarlet is making.

Trevon hugged me, and I don't know why, but I was so happy. I needed it so bad I almost cried right there in bio.

I'm sitting alone on the bus instead of with Jake, because he is kinda with this girl now. And weirdly enough, we are all drifting apart, everyone is finding their new home, unfortunately, I've been stuck in my old one, and it doesn't look like that's going to change.

And Rob and I? It's like he wants me to make the first move, but I'm scared of making a fool of myself. Today, I came to Hayley and Rob's fourth period textiles, because my English teacher let me leave early. R stuck his head in a book and clammed up while Hayley and I gossiped.

I think since Rob and I have told our feelings for each other, it has freaked both of us out, and now we are more distant and awkward than ever. I want to go back to the way things were before, when he was so flirty and I was trying to ignore him. It was so pleasant and like a fun childish game. Now, we are heavy and broken. Like a shattered Ming vase.

9:30pm
Things have calmed down a lot. All the fighting and bullshit feels muted. Rob won't text me back, and maybe he wants nothing to do with a pathetic, insecure blonde idiot who doesn't talk because she's freaked.

I'll probably end up losing my virginity in a public toilet or somewhere else equally dumb.

I'm feeling kind of happy despite everything. I'm calm. I feel stabilized, and it's so good. I feel no added stress, I messaged with Scarlet and Hayley. We have all calmed down and just kept it light. We talked about boobs, no bras, drawings, music. Just some light, lovely conversation on a group chat. And I was happy. Rob didn't text me, but something told me I shouldn't worry one bit.

You grow ravenous. You run fevers. You know exhilarations. You can't sleep at night, because your beast-creature ideas want out and turn you in your bed. It is a grand way to live.
-Ray Bradbury

Casey and Trevon wouldn't stop asking me sexual questions in biology, but I quite enjoyed the attention. I feel like there's some undertone of competing for me between the two of them, and I love it. I want that. I need that. It felt so good to be the center of sexual desire for a bit.

9:45pm
Ever since I wrote about feeling like I wanted to die and needed a hug, people were strangely nice to me today. Not like compliments. More caring.

In first period art, I was doing a painting that's meant to look blood-dripping, it's about civil rights. I got red paint on the soft underside of my arm that always reminded me of the underbelly of a fish. So, I went to second period with red streaks up my arms. I also felt sad that R hadn't even barely said hello, and sick little Kota wouldn't stop bothering me while I was adrift in a sea of brooding and contemplation.

I was sad-looking, red paint on my arms appearing like blood, plus a runny nose and tears brimming in my eyes as I drifted into the drafty, dank math classroom. I grabbed a tissue to blow my nose, and Kasen saw my arms. At first glance, he said, "Woah. Are you okay? Is that...?"
I never talk to him. This came as a surprise. I raised the light-skinned under bellies and said, "Am I cutting? No--- this is only paint from art class."
And Kasen replied, "Good. Please don't do that."
For the smallest fleeting moment, I fell apart that someone saw me and cared enough to tell me not to do that to myself. It felt like in that moment he maybe cared a little tiny ounce about me.

Every emotion feels amplified.

Luckily, for now, I'm parked in neutral.

10:11pm
Yeah. I could never do friends with benefits. I'm too sex + emotion = happy, not sex = happy. I know this about myself. I couldn't stand to see a guy I like fuck me then treat another girl like good gold.