Satan School of Sophomores

Hurt in My Bones: 11/28/14

12:19am Friday, November 28

What I Learned From Thanksgiving

1. When you want to befriend teenagers talk about drugs, sex, school, and mutually-know people.

2. I think I grind my teeth.

3. I'm horny, but a good amount, not crazy as fuck jump out the window.

4. I love food, but I already knew that.

5. I am starting to believe sex changes people. Seriously. Depressing.

6. Relatives are fucking annoying and say weird shit to other relatives.

9:37am
Nothing like getting turned on on a plane. In public.

10:01am
I don't understand puberty. Girls get fatter, guys get skinnier. Uh. No. I don't think that is fair you lil stupid ass bitch Mother Nature.

10:12am
I'm the tallest girl in the world
My feet never touch the floor and my thighs are iron hams
My face a passionate canvas
of
bumpy
scars
red paint peels

I am the oriental rug
under
an old soul singer's feet
onstage
in plain sight
but
unnoticed

I'm away
Nothing can touch me up here
And I
will never
touch anything
in return

I feel the cold on my hip bones and my baby-fat cheeks
I see the broken
childhood dreams
drifting past me
on bright-white story book clouds.
All the innocence
fades
away
All the girls change faces

I trust that I can't trust
The words
are
misshapen lies
Trying
to hide behind
the hatred
and the anger

you love him,
little girl
Pretend
he loves you back

Frustration
academicallysexuallysocially
spirituallyculturallyemotionally

An odd heart won't ever touch mine.
I live
in the paper cage
I live
in the cold paneled ceiling
in a bleak green fluorescence
where I caress
the wires that
burn my tongue

10:44am
My parents were going to name me Asher if I was a boy.

Sometimes I wish they had, and I wish I had the parts to go along with it.

To be a boy.
What a thought that everyone's had. Opposite gender. Someone else.

I think I'd make a better boy. If I were a boy, I'd have sex. Like any fifteen year old boy would. Because I could and I'd be young and I'd feel a lack of responsibility. I could be dumb and be me. I could climb trees and no one would care that I didn't wear makeup. They'd like me better without. If I were a boy, I could do whatever I wanted. Be whatever. The world would be my sexist, misogynistic oyster. I wouldn't feel so bad for thinking about sex all the time. Imagine. Freedom of thoughts. Inside and out. Confidence like no girl has. Messy hair that girls like.

I think maybe I'd look better as a boy, too. I've got the nose, shoulders and overall broadness already.

My eyes are weak and small. Like my insides.

It's only a thought.
A
silly
dumb
puppy
playful
deep down
hurt in my bones
Thought.

10:48am Friday, November 28
The Cascades below remind me of a crumpled white sheet on a king mattress.

10:52am
First time I've ever flown first class. I like it. We are going to touch down in Seattle soon.