Satan School of Sophomores

A Girl Like Me: 10/14/14

9:17pm Tuesday, October 14

Tomorrow I take the PSAT, so I'll see how that all goes. I'm so worried, but I think I'll do well overall. I've been studying and prepping and focusing and I think it will all work out for my highest good.

As of today, I went to the doctor's to see about getting on birth control. Mostly because my skin keeps breaking out, and I need way too much makeup to cover it up. If you have clear skin as a teenager, thank your lucky gene stars. It must feel so amazing to not be completely scared that someone might catch a glimpse of your red, blistery bare face. The worst a girl with clear skin and no make up can look is slightly smaller eyes. For me, it's like two different people. Never in all my high school days have I gone without make up. Never. Ever. Not even on my latest, most tired exhausting morning. I never forget my cover up. To cover up the scars and the acne and the red inflammation. I'll never be a girl you see without make up unless you're immediate family or a very, very close friend. Unless this birth control helps to clear my skin, then my life's problems will be solved. Only two of my current high school friends have seen me bare faced (Hayley and Scarlet). Luckily, they didn't say anything, but I know how bad it is. It hurts. The blemishes hurt. Physically and mentally, it's painful all around.

Today an old man called me a heifer in the doctor's office. He's our bitchy, old, farmer neighbor, and now I think I hate him. He just looked at my mom and said, "Who's the heifer you got with you?" Gesturing to me. My mom just awkwardly laughed it off while I stared into my book, totally annoyed and pissed. I swear he was only half kidding, and even if he was totally joking, he's still an asshole. What a dirty old man. I hate him.

I found myself in sixth period history today talking with Kasen and Dustin, both mega popular boys in my grade. Both not people a girl like me would ever be seen with. I was actually making them laugh. I don't even know. We were joking about penis sizes (of course), and I guess somehow I was actually flirty and funny to them. When I walked out of sixth I was a little bit in shock that I had actually talked to popular guys so easily, gracefully if I want to stretch the truth. Usually around popular, decent looking boys I turn into a pile of goop and go all hot and embarrassed, but I guess today I felt so done that any rejection couldn't hurt me. Then I saw Rob in the hallway, so I talked to him for a few minutes. Of course Hayley kind of wiggled in because she has a major thing for him, even though I was only talking to him because we have an art project together. He's bisexual or gay anyway. I don't like him. R can't seem to pick any one girl he really likes, he likes all the attention - not really who he's getting it from.