Satan School of Sophomores

Shut Up Shut Up Shut Up: 12/7/14

10:47am Sunday, December 7

Okay, I fixed my problem, and that was some bad stuff I did. I feel like all my posters are watching. Don't look at me like that, Lady Gaga and Eddie Redmayne.

9:04pm
When I listen to music, I always think about where it'd be in a movie. 'This is the intro when the hot girl walks in. That song is obviously the ending where he finally gets the girl. Or this other song is when I walk in and slap dat hoe who be fuckin with all da boyz.'

That last one uh I don't even know. It's my inner female rapper. The voice in my head has settings: Nicki Minaj, Abraham Lincoln or Fallout Boy.

I had something to say where'd it go... Oh yeah. I had a lovely day of binge-watching television and wishing I was super hot. My dream job would be supermodel, and I hate saying that, because it sounds so damn conceited. I used to actually aspire to be a model then puberty kicked in and now it's but a dream. The reasons for such a ridiculous fantasy?
1. This is the all top mega reason of all reasons. So that I could show every guy who rejected me that boom bitch I'm a model. And then they would cry and stalk me on social media or whatever. It'd be the ultimate slap to the face.
2. I would feel beautiful all the time and have confidence.
3. It's a pretty fun job.

I will say it again: I have ZERO intentions of becoming a model. As I have said before, a girl can dream.

Some of the freshman boys seem to think I'm "hot" which I find funny as well as a feeling of deception. Like, bro are we looking at the same person? Am I that good at hair and makeup and clothing? Do you think my lies are beautiful or me?

I sometimes feel like I talk about
s-e-x too much. Is that bad? Is that shallow? I am such a curious person, and I love to inquire about things that I don't really know about. I feel like I know quite a bit about the topic for someone who has never took part. Maybe once I do it I'll shut up about it.
Maybe I mention it so much because it is ever present in our over-sexualized society.

And I used to feel so creepy because when I look at a person, I look at them. Hard. I could tell you about eye color, if they have cellulite, if they have a thigh gap, wear foundation, I look at scars, I look at eye lash length, face shape, if their hair is dyed. I don't know why, and then I wonder if people do the same to me. But I don't think so, because if they did, all these people would see my flaws and not think I'm so "hot" after all. I've always been this way; don't look too close or you'll see something you don't like.

I want to see myself from someone else's perspective. Am I pretty? Do I have a nice smile? Is it nice when I laugh? Do I stand up straight? Can you tell I don't like things about myself? Am I bulky? Husky even?

Am I totally delusional? If so, what about? I want these questions answered. I want to see what everyone else sees. I want people to see how I see them.

Truth is, I rarely ever see a girl I think is stone-cold, never-going-to-find-love ugly.
And guys, fall into four categories 1. I brush them off as average (friend)
2. Stay away, you uggo creep (enemy, jerk or rapist)
3. How attractive mhmmm (crush or hot guy I'll never talk to)
4. Family member who is void (brother, Dad, cousin etc)