I FEEL YOU || Sᴛᴇᴠᴇ Rᴏɢᴇʀꜱ

fifteen

Just Say It

At about the same time as yesterday, after lunch, the wall between Bucky and I started lowering.

"An" Bucky called my name "tell him."

I sighed and turned so I way facing the door that soon opened revealing Sam.

"Hi" he said.

"Hi" I said back.

He made his way to the chair Steve left yesterday and sat down. I was still standing as we looked each other in the eyes, none of us saying anything.

"You can stop that 'resting bitch' face now." he raised his eyebrows "I just wanna talk."

I scoffed "Steve said that too."

"Than I guess I shouldn't." Sam laughed.

"Why?" I furrowed my brows.

"He begged Tony and Fury to let him talk to you again today." he smiled to himself "That guy really missed you."

I gave him a questioning look. He really came here to talk about Steve?

"He likes you. A lot." he continued "And he is my best friend. So I do know you two have gotten pretty close before the...incident. And it really hurt him."

I paused for a moment processing what Sam just said. Did Steve really like me? Like like like? I sure liked him too, but I enjoyed our friendship quite a lot. I didn't want to complicate it with involving unnecessary feelings. But I also couldn't let those same feelings get into this conversation.

"Did you come here just to tell me how I've hurt him?" I sat down on my bed, looking down at the floor "Because if you did, you can go now. I've had three weeks to think about all the ways I hurt him and all of you."

"But I didn't. So I won't go." he raised his eyebrows at me again "Do you wanna talk about it? I spoke to Bucky yesterday so I know you probably don't remember much but...something?"

I didn't wanna do it. Yet. Say it. But Sam was the person I would feel most comfortable saying it to so I gave in.
"I actually do." I confessed.

He rose his eyebrows "And you didn't tell that to Steve?"

"Not directly. I didn't want to talk about that with him." I admitted looking up.

"Oh you won't with me either." Sam said getting up from his chair, earning a confused look from me "Tony and Fury are listening. As soon as you and/or Bucky say that you remember more they..."

"...will come personally." Tony finished the sentence as he walked in the room, Fury following him close behind.

"I have just one question, then I'll leave. I'm not interested in your Hydra-ex-assassin bullshit, that's why I put Stark in charge of this situation." Fury spoke up, lovingly as ever "Why didn't you just tell us right away that you magically remember everything before we came up with plans and strategies to get some information out of you?"

"Ah, I don't expect you to understand." I said standing up "But you need to know it's not because I don't want to say it or help you. It's because, as you'll never understand, unintentionally almost killing the friends you call family is hard to talk about."

"Okay." Fury nodded "Good luck then." and with that he left the room.

Sam said goodbye and left soon behind him, leaving Tony and I alone.

Tony sat down and opened his tablet in front of him "So" he started "now it's your time to shine."

"You couldn't just come first and force me to speak?" I asked sitting down on my bed "Since when is Fury into these nicer interrogations?"

"He isn't" he said not looking up from the screen "we just convinced him that neither of you would actually do anything to hurt us if you had a choice." he explained "Besides Loki, of course."

"Loki?" I slowly connected the dots "He was the third person with Bucky and I?"

"Um- yeah" he furrowed his brows and looked up "I thought you said you remembered?"

"Well, only parts, shadows" I explained "not like all of it."

"Okay" Tony mumbled to himself before asking a million questions about Thanos and the other alien beings Bucky and I encountered.

...

"I have one more question." Tony said after about an hour of questioning "Why did we take you down so easily? I spoke to Steve and Bucky and they said you are stronger than them both. So how come we got you easier than we did Bucky?"

I sighed looking down at my hands, resting in my lap "You know, one thing I don't think you, or anyone who was never brainwashed, will understand is that it feels like you have two personas inside of you. And they are constantly fighting. But with the constant restarting Hydra made sure our normal selves didn't get stronger than their versions. This time around, I wasn't restarted in a long long time. And I..." I smiled at the thought of Steve and the other Avengers "...this time I felt feelings stronger then fear and terror Hydra made us feel. I felt that I had a family, that I belonged somewhere." I looked up at Tony "I felt. It was overwhelming at first but, I had more feelings than hate and anger. At the end, it felt good."

"You think feelings are what made your self stronger than your Hydra self?" he asked, wideyed.

"I'm pretty positive yeah." I nodded "That or my powers are too strong to be controlled by the activation after a while of not-restarting. Either is pretty correct, I think." I smiled at him.

"Yeah, I'll take the other one." he nodded and wrote that down on his tablet.

"I know, that's why I thought about it. I couldn't settle on the first reason either. I don't even know how I came up with that." I chuckled to myself.

He looked down and smiled "Very well, you are cleared to leave the cell after the brain scans tomorrow."

I nodded and he exited the room.

As soon as he left, the wall dividing the room began to move and I could soon see Bucky on the other side.

"Good job." he smiled at me "Sam came by to tell me that you told them. How did it go?"

"Good. I think." I paused taking a deep breath "I feel better now."

I did truly feel better. I still didn't quite understand feelings. Anything about them, really. But now, I was finally willing to try. And as my mind wondered about all the other emotions I ignored over the past decades, I remembered the person who was the first to help me. Steve. I had to speak to him tomorrow after the brain scans. I owe him that, at least. I just have to say it.

I just have to tell him how I feel.