I FEEL YOU || Sᴛᴇᴠᴇ Rᴏɢᴇʀꜱ

sixteen

Losing It

Brain scans went well, I guess. We just layed down with machines moving around our heads. 'Went well' just meant they didn't open up our skulls like in the old days.

After that, Bucky and I were free to go, but we weren't allowed to leave the compound yet. We both went straight to our rooms, to rest on comfortable beds and to take a proper shower.

After about half an hour of showering and an hour of napping, I put on something decent for the outside world - black jeans and a black slim-fit long sleeved shirt. It wasn't much and, since I usually wore my battle clothes, I didn't really own much. Plus, considering I wasn't cleared for combat yet, those wouldn't come in any use.

With my clothes on, my freshly washed hair falling down my back and my palms sweating, I stood in front of the door of my room, waiting for a rush of bravery.

When it finally came, I opened the door and took a left towards Steve's room. Walking down the hallway, I looked to my right, where the windows were looking over the backyard of the compound. There I saw the last person I needed to see right now- Wanda.

The paleness of her face could be seen from my point of view. Her shaky hand grabbing Natasha's as she helped her get up from the wheelchair she was in. 

I was lacking courage to face Steve before but now, all I could do is go back to my room as my chest became heavier and I struggled to breath.

And that's what I did.

I rushed back towards my room, my heartbeat getting faster and faster. I slammed the door shut as I entered, pacing around it with my hands on my head. That was me trying to give my lungs more space to breathe normally. The attempt wasn't successful, my heartbeat didn't slow down and my breathing didn't become easier. To confirm what I was already feeling, the smartwatch I was wearing, that measured my heartbeat, blood pressure etc., started blinking rapidly and the A.I. of the system spoke up.

"Heartbeat: 115 b/pm and rising." the electronic voice said.

"I know." I sat down on my bed, holding my head in my hands "...I know. I know."

"Activating panic attack protocol." the A.I. spoke up again "Contacting Mr. Stark."

"No. No!" that was the last thing I needed now, see someone else whose life I almost ended. I struggled to pull the thing off of my wrist before throwing it across the room. Just as I did, the door to my room opened and Tony rushed in, holding one of his tablets.

"Hey, hey, hey" he redirected my attention to him as he sat on the bed next to me "I know how this feels, you just need to breathe and relax, okay? You're okay now."

I listened to his instructions to slow down my breathing and, after a few minutes, I was actually okay. The room stopped caving in on me and my heartbeat slowed down.

"What happened?" Tony asked after doing a few checkups on me.

"I- I saw- um. I went out to talk to Steve and I saw- out of the window I saw- Wanda." I paused, remembering her fragile body sitting in the wheelchair "I just couldn't help it. She probably hates me after what I did to her." I sighed "I don't even deserve forgiveness."

Tony sighed "You have to stop being so hard on yourself, Anastasya. It wasn't you." he assured me.

"But it was." I said standing up from the bed and walking towards the window "It was me. It was me every time these hands" I gestured towards my own "killed someone. It was me! The only difference is that before I didn't remember." I looked at Tony "Then, I didn't feel guilt. Now, I do. The worst part isn't even that I did it to you guys." I laughed to myself "It's that I feel like I could do it again."

"Please" Tony said standing up "just calm down. You are not going to hurt us." he continued, holding one hand up towards me. He was looking at my hands while glancing back at his tablet and pressing a big red button. I followed his gaze down to my hands. That's when I noticed clouds of power circling around them. Again.

I had no control over my emotions, my powers, myself. I just couldn't control it. And it felt awful. I hated feeling powerless.

Before I could finish my thought, someone else busted in the room. I didn't have the courage to look up from my hands. I was afraid of what I could do.

"Is everything okay?" the person spoke. I swear, I could recognize that voice anywhere.

"I thought the instructions were clear" Tony said through his teeth, trying to keep his voice down "you were supposed to wait outside."

"You know I couldn't just stand outside." Steve admitted "Anastasya?" he said turning to me "Are you alright?"

"...Steve..." I slowly looked up form my hands, locking eyes with him "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?" he said, glancing between Tony and I "Sorry for what?"

"For what?" I sighed "For everything."

He sighed, didn't know what to say. We stood in silence for a few seconds before Steve made a step towards me. And embraced me in a hug.

"Relax" he said as he felt me tense up "you can't hurt me."

"But I already did" I said closing my eyes, trying to enjoy this moment of peace.

"No." he whispered "No. You would never do that."

After a minute in his arms I heard Tony leave the room. Then I found the strength to look down on my hands that were resting on Steve's back. They were normal now. They didn't look threatening anymore.

"Why did you come, again?" I asked him, pulling away from the comforting hug and looking him in the eyes.

"Well" he smiled "I tried to tell you twice, actually...but you pushed me away both of those times."

"I know." I said looking down, remembering how cold I was towards him "I'm sorry. I just didn't want to hurt you. Again."

"It's okay" he said lifting my chin up to face him again "I understand your tactic. Pushing people away, avoiding feelings, connecting to people. I get it." he sighed "But that doesn't have a good effect on people who care about you."

I looked at him questionably. Encouraging him to continue.

"If someone already cares about you" he slowly said "pushing them away can only hurt them even more. If someone really cares, they would never want you to go through your problems alone."

I looked down again, thinking about how could I apply this to my situation.
In a way, I understood what he said and I felt like a fool for not knowing that myself. On the other hand, I didn't ever think that caring about someone can go that deep. I never cared about someone that deeply and I never felt that way myself. Sure, I cared about Bucky. He was my friend. But we were never in situations that were so emotionally complex. If one of us was about to get killed- the other one would save the one in trouble. That was that. Yes, I loved him as a friend. But during my time here, I began to think that our understanding of love and care under influence of Hydra wasn't necessarily the same one people have here, the one Steve just explained to me.

"Oh" I said, understanding what he meant "I'm sorry if that made you feel bad. I- I didn't think about that...stuff like that." I sighed "You know how I am with feelings."

"No, no, I know. That's why I said that. It's okay." he said hugging me tight once again "It's over now."

"But I don't feel like it is." I muttered against his chest.

"Why not? You're safe now."

"I know. But I feel like I'm losing it."

"Losing it?" he asked pulling away and giving me a concerned look.

I sighed "Losing myself."