I FEEL YOU || Sᴛᴇᴠᴇ Rᴏɢᴇʀꜱ

thirty

It Hurts To Feel

When we got back I immediately went to check on Tony. I quietly entered his room. He was awake.

"Oh hey, didn't see you there." he said, he was back to his normal self I guess, and put down his phone "So, how did it go?" he tapped the bed.

I walked over and sat down next to him "He destroyed them. He used the stones to destroy the stones."

"What?" Tony was visibly confused "Why would he do that after all the work he put into getting them?"

"All he wanted was to balance out the universe." I sighed "After that, he said they were only a temptation. So he got rid of them. Reduced them to atoms."

"God..." Tony sighed "I'm sorry about that." he put his hand on my leg.

I put my hand over his "Yeah" I sighed "It's not the best thing ever."

We sat in silence for a while. Each of us in our own head. I didn't like the silence. I wanted to do something. I needed to do something.

"I should get going, call me if you need anything." I smiled at him and got up.

But there was nothing to do. They were gone.

My head started pounding as I climbed the stairs to the bedrooms. I suddenly felt dizzy and weak. I grunted and pushed through towards my room. I hate feeling weak.

As I came into my room, I laid on my bed, trying to calm down. Thank God I didn't have one of those bracelets on, it would be screaming panic attack protocol activated a long time ago.

I turned on my stomach and screamed into a pillow. I kept my emotions inside since Wakanda. I just didn't want to accept that most of the people I love were dead.

I was in deep denial. Wong was right.

"An, calm down, please. I'm here to help." I heard Natasha on the other side of the door.

First I was confused by her request, but as I got up I realized that my outburst caused the doors and windows in my room to shut. They were actually close to breaking from the pressure.

Amazing. Really helps with my anxiety levels.

I stood up and opened the door normally, with my hand.

"Are you okay?" Nat asked, her expression sad and worried.

"Do I look okay?" I scoffed and sat back on my bed "I feel like I'm living the classic teenage years I never lived through. No control over my emotions. Sucks."

"You also look like you are giving up something you were addicted to." Nat said as she closed the door and sat next to me "You were addicted to activation. It kept you alive and more importantly, it acted like a drug. So you're fine, you can cry it out on me."

"I don't need your pity." I sighed "Steve was your friend too. They all were. Long before I even came here."

"That's true, but I was never so close to them as you got to Steve." she placed her hand on my back "He loved you. And you still love him."

I scoffed.

"Do you miss him?" she asked.

Do I? Of course I do. The way he smiled when he greeted me in the morning. The little peck he gave me when he made me food. The laughs we had sitting outside while watching the sunset. The way he... Him. I do miss him.

I sighed "I miss him so much it hurts... Will it ever go away?" I looked up to Nat like she was my last hope.

My body confused itself with all the emotions that were coming in but, you know what... Steve encouraged me to let them in. He wanted me to feel better, to feel normal. There is not much else to do than to let the walls die down with him. I don't know if I'm even strong enough to keep them up for much longer.

"It will get easier with time" she said "and then you'll just look back at the good times and remember what a wonderful person he was."

"I didn't take you for a poet." I smiled "Or a therapist. Ah, I'm trying not to think about it all but.. no matter how much I try to distract myself.. there is nothing that makes me feel better." I sighed "I can feel something missing whenever I do something. What am I supposed to do with that feeling?"

"Imagine that he's with us. What would he say?"

I smiled "He would tell me to be strong, to get up and move on but... it's hard to move on...I- I want him to be here."

"So why won't you just move on then? Listen to his advice?"

"I don't want to move on, I don't want it to be done. I don't want this to be over because if it is I have to... I'll have to admit myself that he's gone. Forever."

"That just might be the step you have to take if you want to continue your life." she added "You'll have to move on eventually."

I sighed and looked down at my hands. Emotions suck. Sometimes I wish I could just be free of them like in the old days.

"Come. " Nat said as she stood up from the bed "Tony is leaving. He probably wants to say bye to you."

"He's leaving?" I stood up and followed her out of the door "Where to?"

"I don't know." she sighed "Everybody's leaving, actually."

"What?" I furrow my brows "What do you mean everybody?"

"They have nothing to do here" she shrugged and went down the stairs "and besides, they don't have any hope left. We can't get the others back so, what's the point?"

"Wait." I stopped at the bottom of the stairs "You agree with them?"

"An, it's over. There's nothing we can do." she looked up at me "You have to accept that too."

So no choice, huh?