I FEEL YOU || Sᴛᴇᴠᴇ Rᴏɢᴇʀꜱ

forty three

Is It Life

Is life the only thing worth dying for? To die so someone else could live. Or, perhaps, to die so your soul could live as peacefully as it couldn't before.

Or is life so sacred it's not worth giving up on under any circumstances? Is it such an exceptional thing nobody should ever give up on it?

If you ask me, all life ends, there's nothing we can do about it. So why wouldn't I jump at the opportunity to have a meaningful end? Considering I was the reason to so many deaths, I don't see why my death couldn't be the reason why someone is still alive.

It feels good to do something good.

It also felt weird. Weird in a painful way. In a way it felt like my insides were burning while my muscles conracted so hard it felt like they'll explode. My head hurt like I was hit by a train. I felt wightless while I also felt like the ground was pulling me closer harder than ever.

As soon as I collapsed, it's like my soul left my body and I could see what was going on around me. I guess it would make more sense to say I could feel what happened afterwards because I didn't really have the full picture, but you get what I'm saying.

That could, perhaps, be because of my abilities. Maybe because of all the energy that left my body was still connected to me. I really wouldn't know. There's nothing I really know about my abilities.

First, of course, I 'saw' Tony turn around in shock and immediately ask F.R.I.D.A.Y. for help. While he did that, I could see Thanos behind him, sitting down and turning to dust, and a bunch of people running towards us.

I knew Steve and Bucky were among them, but I couldn't make out who the others were.

They say the last sense you loose before death is hearing. And I think it's true. I didn't know if I was dying, but after I lost my 'vision', all I could was hear.

"Stay with me, stay with me!"

"We have to get her to a hospital!"

"No! A hospital won't help her, we have to get her to Wakanda."

"She's still alive."

"That's a long flight."

"An, wake up!"

"Wake up!"

I used all of my strength to open my eyes, but without success. After that, I just gave in to the darkness. Knowing it couldn't be worse than what I already went through.

What could possibly be worse than the pain Hydra inflicted on me? What could be worse than the pain the emptiness in my heart caused through the last five years?

The only thing I worried about were the people I would leave behind.

While it's hard for me to understand why any of them would care about me, I know they do. I've gotten countless reminders over the years, making sure I don't close into myself again, and I learnt to appreciate the hell out of that.

The aftermath of the Snap made me understand the pain of losing someone you really do love. Or at least I think that's the feeling I have for Steve.

While Bucky and I exchanged countless 'I love you's over the years, I always saw him as a friend, a brother. What I developed for Steve was a whole lot different.

If it isn't love, what do you call the feeling of such great affection it physically hurts your heart from the happiness you feel when you see the person you feel that for? When you feel high from the feeling, when you feel so deeply connected to the person, when you would do anything if it meant they will be happy. What's that called?

If my understanding of this emotion is correct, and it very well might not be, I would say that is love.

My heart hurt too much when I thought about all the things I felt and thought over the past five years to let that be Steve's future. Or anyone else's.

I would hate if I was the cause of those feelings and thoughts for someone else. Even if I had no intention to cause harm.

That thought alone made me decide I won't let myself die. At least not right now.

While I would welcome the peace I think death brings with open arms, I know people who wouldn't want me to do that.