I FEEL YOU || Sᴛᴇᴠᴇ Rᴏɢᴇʀꜱ

thirty six

Shooting Shots

We stood in silence. I realized they weren't going to arrest me so I turned around and went outside. A few moments after I heard footsteps behind me.

"How could you do that!?" she yelled after me as I started to walk faster by the building, it seems like it just hit her "Why did you do that?"

I stayed silent. My jaw was clenched. My fists lost their color from the pressure. I was barely holding everything in. I was weak. Why did I kill those men? I don't even remember. They were at the wrong place at the wrong time.

"You are not a kid, Anastasya. You can't act so thoughtless. You killed men who stole a couple thousand dolars worth diamonds. You should come to me when you need me. We can talk. Whatever you need. Going on a killing spree is not the answer." she was still running after me.

I stopped and turned around "I did. How many times did I already talk to you, Natasha!? That's what got us in this mess in the first place. I can't just be an open book whenever you want me. And that- it was not a killing spree. I don't remember what happened but I bet I didn't kill innocent men."

She gives me a faint smile "Don't be in denial, An. We both know you never opened up to me. There is much more to you. Even if you had a reason to kill those men. Which you did not."

"What? What's that supposed to mean?"

"You talk to me, yes, but you don't open up. You just say what you think, not what you feel."

"How am I- how am I supposed to tell the difference? You said 'talk to me' and I did!" I slammed my fist in the building "What else do you want from me, you are not my mom!"

She sighed, clearly fighting to stay calm "You're right, I'm not. Maybe that's the problem. You don't even remember your mom. Nobody thought you how to express yourself. How to express your feelings the right way."

I stared at her eyes. It felt like if I continued, I could pierce her head with my eyes. I was...I don't know. I had no idea what I felt.

"The right way?" I repeated after her "Right. With drawings? Music? Yeah, I can't do that. Maybe I don't feel anything." I chuckled "Maybe HYDRA emptied me out. Maybe I'm hollow. Maybe there's nothing to talk about!" I shouted. I felt my hands trembling as I closed my eyes to regain control of my powers.

"Don't fool yourself!" she shouted back at me "I am done treating you like a porcelain doll! You are only making it worse! You are driving yourself to the very edge of sanity! I am done watching you destroy yourself! You are going to be the end to yourself!" she took a deep breath and approached me "Not a villain. Not Thanos. Not a bullet, An. You."

"And I'm gonna do it on my own from now on." I said as tears made their way to my cheeks "Goodbye, Natasha." I swallowed and turned around to continue towards the road.

"Ana, no." she called after me "You are in no shape to be alone."

"Yeah, I know." I stopped and looked behind one last time "I'm better off in a prison." I sighed and pushed off of the ground, feeling relief as I let go of my powers and flew away.

I woke up in a puddle of sweat. This wasn't the first time in the last five years I dreamed about breaking and doing all those awful things. But it sure was one of the worst ones. Sleeping was hard for me. Every time I closed my eyes I either dreamed about me going crazy or about Steve and/or Bucky.

You know when you're in the shower and you think about all the outcomes of the argument you had earlier that day with someone? My dreams kind of felt like that. They felt like different possible scenarios of the situations I already lived. There were some that were normal, as one would say, but there were some that were brutal, full of blood, corpses and darkness. It felt like my brain just wanted to make sure I knew all the terrible things that could happen.