Janiel Oneshots (Discontinued...Again)

101. Troubling Thoughts. (Sad)

SERIOUS TRIGGER WARNING. MENTIONS OF DEATH/SUICIDE AND SELF HARM. VIEWER DISCRETION IS STRONGLY ADVISED!

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(Joey's POV)

Daniel doesn't know I still have them. Each and every night they pop in my head, keeping me awake and staring at the wall. Daniel doesn't know that when he kisses me goodnight and tells me he loves me, it doesn't keep the demons away. I know I should tell him. But the idea of keeping it to myself sounds more and more appealing with every new thought that comes. He would never understand. Besides, what's the point in telling him? He's just going to tell me they're wrong and that I shouldn't listen. Since when has that worked? Pushing them aside only means they come back harder and more depressing. When I do actually get to sleep, I'm woken up in a cold sweat as I try to erase the terrifying nightmares I tend to have. Each one always ending in either myself dying, or Daniel. The ones where I die are the most repetitive. 

They come in my mind in the daytime too. I keep those to myself as well. All the thoughts and emotions that come with them are bubbling inside of me. I know I should probably tell someone, but I can't. 

"Joey?" I'm snapped out of another round of self-deprecating thoughts by Daniel waving a hand in front of my face. "Are you okay? You've been staring at the wall for over an hour." I smile up at him "yeah! Just lost in thought and I guess I also lost track of time. Sorry." He smiles and leans down for a kiss. "Do you want to go out for some ice cream? A new shop opened up downtown and it has gotten great reviews!" 'Just what you need, fatass. More sugar and calories added to your already disgusting body. Do you really think Daniel will want to fuck you when you weigh over three hundred pounds?' "Uh...no. I'm good. You can go though. Maybe Hope or Manny want to go." Daniel pouts "but I don't want to go with them. I want to go with my handsome boyfriend!" 'Yeah. Handsome. Wait until he sees your disgusting stomach.' "Don't let me ruin your fun. I have to go edit anyway. Those gaming videos don't film themselves!" I kiss his cheek and run up the stairs. 

Why am I lying to my boyfriend? I don't have any videos to edit. I've filmed over twenty gaming videos and finished making the Escape the Night thumbnails. Jesus. It's bad enough I'm lying to him about the self-hating thoughts in my mind, but now I'm making excuses as to why I can't spend time with him. I'm a horrible boyfriend. 'Finally, you realized it! It only took you three years! Why is he still with you? He can do so much better. You know that and he knows that. It's only a matter of time before he gets sick of you and walks out.' Shaking my head, I exit my office to see Daniel standing at the end of the hall on his phone. His voice echoes across the empty hall. "I don't know what's going on with him, Hope. He's been so distant and making excuses to not spend time with me. He spends more time staring into space than with me. I don't even know what to say to him." Guilt fills my body as I run into the nearest bathroom, falling onto the floor. 

'You've disappointed him. Don't you hear him? He's so disappointed in you. He's falling out of love with you. Every word he speaks you can tell. Leave him before he leaves you. You know it will be soon.' Opening the drawers, I struggle to find that small metal bar that could release my inner anguish, even just a tiny bit. I finally find one, but before I could place it near my skin Daniel opens the door. "JOEY!" Kneeling beside me, he smacks the razor out of my hand "what in God's name were you about to do to yourself?!" I turn away from him, shaking my head. "Get out of here, Daniel." "NO! I'm not leaving you until you--" "I SAID GET OUT! I DON'T WANT YOU HERE!" I slap a hand over my mouth as I register what I had just said. Daniel's eyes water "I knew it. You were putting so much distance between us lately. I should've known." He stands "please tell me I'm wrong." "What are you talking about?" He points to the razor "you're pushing people away because your depression is back. You were about to self-harm. Now you're kicking me out because I didn't leave when you put distance between us. I'm not leaving, Joey." 

"You say that now, Daniel. You're only saying that because you just saw me with a razor blade in my hand. If you didn't walk in on me, you would've broken up with me. If you didn't see me here, I would've died before you got the chance. I heard your conversation with Hope. I didn't hear all of it but I know how it was going to end. You're sick of me making up excuse after excuse, shutting you out. You think I'm over you, that I'm emotionally done with you. So you were going to break up with me to save you the mental pain. But instead you come in here and see me about to kill myself and you think you solved the puzzle. You don't know the half of it." 

Daniel sits next to me again "then explain it to me." I turn away, putting the razor back and standing up. "I'm not good enough for you. And there's only so much time left before you realize that yourself and walk out. Hell, you were going to." Daniel stands beside me "no I was not. I was going to look for you to talk about what happened downstairs and I see you on the fucking floor with a fucking razor blade! Joey! What is going on?!" Emotionless, I look him in the eye "I just told you." With that, I go to exit. He follows quickly behind me "you think you're not enough? That's why you've been ignoring me? Staring into space twenty-four-seven? No, that's not it. There's more. Why won't you tell me what else is going on!" We enter our bedroom and he locks the door behind him. Silently, I sit on my side of the bed, back facing Daniel. 

"What's going on, Joey?" 'Don't tell him. You'll just bore him. Do you want that? Him to get bored of you? Like he already has. He's just pitying you. Don't listen to him.' I let out a whimper and Daniel comes rushing to my side, pulling me to his chest. "Joey, please. I'm here to listen. Let me in, please." A sigh breaks up the silence and I mutter "the thoughts are back." Daniel's arm drops from around me and I feel my heart plummet to the floor. 'What did I tell you? You just HAD to tell him. Now he's going to leave you because you're so depressed. He doesn't want to deal with a depressed freak like yourself. Just watch.' "Why didn't you tell me?" My body erupts in sobs "I-I..." Daniel pulls me completely on his lap, letting me rest my head in the crook of his neck as I continue to cry. "Why didn't you just tell me?" "I didn't want to. I know you already have a lot on your plate and I didn't want to include this into your list. It'd just be another rock on your back." He shushes me "no, no, no! I would never think that! Joey, if you're going through another episode you have to come to me! I could never let you suffer through it on your own. No matter what I have going on, you'll always be my number one priority." 'LIES! LIES HE'S TELLING YOU!' I shake my head "I shouldn't be though." 

"Of course, you are! You're my boyfriend, the love of my life, my soulmate. Nothing and no one comes before you." Daniel kisses the top of my head repeatedly "now, what are these thoughts telling you?" 

After explaining everything to Daniel, I'm left with tear-stained cheeks and red puffy eyes. Daniel on the other hand, looks absolutely devastated. "Joey, you should've told me about these thoughts the moment they came back! Letting them manifest inside is never a good thing. Look where they brought you! You were going to...oh God." Holding me tighter, he kisses the top of my head again. "Please, talk to me more. I'm here, I'll always be here." I nod, looking up at him. "I'm sorry." He kisses my forehead "don't apologize. There's no reason to. I love you, Joey." This emotional rollercoaster drained my energy, proven as I let out a loud yawn. "I love you too, Daniel. Thank you." 

Yeah, the thoughts didn't go away. 

But neither did Daniel. And I'll always be thankful for that. And him.

Sorry if this was a little all over the place. I wrote it at two am. I'm not in the best moods right now and I just wanted to let it out.