a/n; hey, i'm not mentally in a very great place so all my updating is quite trash and i'm basically venting out my feelings through these texts. although it's a good idea to somewhat reflect what i feel to these, it's only to a certain extent, so that's why i've been stalling with this book. i'm non-binary, and i experience quite terrible dysphoria from time to time, so it isn't always the smartest idea for me to write this book. sorry to keep you all waiting, and be safe while reading, cause your own safety and well-being always comes first!
trigger warnings; dysphoria and self-harm, the whole chapter is just dysphoria so if you can't read it then you'll most likely know what's going on, sadly.
tyler hated himself.
he wasn't masculine enough.
he wasn't a boy.
he wasn't a boy, and there was nothing he could do about it. sure, his friends told him he was just enough like that, but he wasn't. he didn't have a dick. he didn't have a flat chest, his voice was pitchy and his face soft and delicate. even his hands were disgusting to him.
tyler couldn't look in the mirror, and if he accidentally did, he'd want to smash the fucking thing into shards small enough to disappear completely. he just couldn't handle it, it was too much.
everything was too much.
tyler knew he liked joshua and joshua liked him too, but joshua knew he wasn't actually a boy, and tyler's voices told him that if the boy was gay, then of course he wouldn't want to be with a boy without anything that an actual boy has. and, since the voices were always correct, they had to be speaking the truth of this, too.
while he was in the bathroom, sitting in a crimson pool with a shiny rectangle in his hands, they told him the truth.
he wasn't a boy.
he wasn't enough for joshua.
he would never be, he wasn't a boy, and joshua was gay.
he was not a boy.
and as the pool continued getting bigger, the voices kept hushing tyler into a dark sleep without dreams.
he wasn't a boy.
YOU ARE READING
careless // joshler
Fanfictionjosh had been watching the brown-haired boy for a while, and he was certain he wasn't okay. // tyler knew a boy with obnoxiously purple hair had been watching him, and he was getting annoyed.
