careless // joshler

epilogue

"tyler, m'home!" josh shouted as he dropped his car keys on top of the drawer in the foyer.

the two of them had been living together for five years now, dating the whole time. they had had a fair share of ups and downs, for sure, but now the future was looking up for them. josh had popped the big question eight months ago, and the wedding was in one and a half weeks.

needless to say, with both men having important jobs, it was hard to find time for planning the wedding, working and having time between the two of them. tyler and josh, however, didn't mind it as long as they'd be together. they knew they loved each other, even if they saw for a mere couple hours each day.

"tyler, where are you?" josh yelled again, his echo sounding in the living room. tyler should've been home for a good hour now, so why wasn't he anywhere to be seen?

as josh went through each room of the house, each turning out emptier than the on before, he was getting really worried. this wasn't like tyler. he dug out and called tyler's cell, but his fiancé didn't reply, and the phone wasn't ringing in the house, either. after a few more tries of reaching tyler, josh gave up and called gerard instead. he asked if he had any knowledge on tyler's whereabouts, but gerard, nor frank, knew nothing. as josh ended the call, his heart felt like it was going to burst out of his chest with the way it was beating. josh decided, after a while of calming himself down and avoiding a panic attack, to go through the house again.

as he approached the master bedroom, he heard no sounds, which was the last thing he wanted. it was scaring him, how silent everything was, as if waiting for the moment that everything suddenly jumped back to life. shakily josh lifted his sweaty palm to twist the doorknob before slowly pushing it open.
disappointment washed over him as he saw yet another empty room with no light. he stepped inside and reached for the light switch. as his eyes searched around the room, he noticed a light blue envelope on his side of the bed. unsure what it was doing there, josh walked over to the bed and picked up the envelope.

joshua dun it said on top, with tyler's handwriting. josh hastily teared it open, sure it was yet another way for tyler to ask him on a date.

my dearest joshua, josh read.

a/n; trigger warning; suicide!

first i must say, i love you. i love you so terribly much, and i'm so very sorry of what i have to tell you. i truly wish this wouldn't ever happed, but i think we both knew, in the backs of our brains, that it would.

so, joshua. i am quite sure that by the time you're reading this i'm nowhere anymore. i've stopped being.
i'm dead.
i'm dead, and no one can stop it. it feels terrible to even write this letter, to write these words, but i can't lie, either. after i've finished writing this, i will place it on your pillow and go. it'll be better for the both of us in the long run. you can't marry someone who can't do any better than they've always done, joshua, you can't. you deserve better. i haven't been honest with you for five years. i've told you i feel better, that i don't hurt myself, that i don't have blurry in me anymore, but the truth is it's all a lie. an awful lie that i can't keep anymore. i can't keep lying to your face and tell you i'm okay when i'm not. it isn't right, but it isn't right to expect you to stay with me after that either. but i know you'd stay, you're such a sweetheart, which is in no way a bad thing. i just need you to understand that i would've ruined you in the end. i couldn't live knowing that.

i've been thinking of this for a year. every day i've wondered if it'd be the last day. i just haven't had the heart to do it to you, and i barely have it now, either.
i ended up making my decision today as i read through the mail. i didn't tell you, but i invited my parents to our wedding. i should've, but i didn't want you to get mad at me, since they never were too nice to me and they hate me. well, nevertheless, i invited them, and today i received their rsvp. they weren't coming. along with the rsvp itself they had sent a small letter. they had written about how i was marrying a man after becoming a 'man' myself, and how i should've just stayed as the girl i was if i was going to marry a man anyway. as if my sexuality has anything to do with my gender!
i had thought that maybe i'd be enough when i've finally had all my surgeries and i'm a man, but clearly i wasn't. i guess i would've never been, and i can't live like it. i can't keep pretending i don't miss and need my parents. i don't want to have kids who don't know their other grandparents. i don't want to be the one despised in my family. i can't do it, joshua, i can't.
this was my ultimate, final option, but now it's come to that. i don't want to leave you, but you, as well as the rest of the world, are better off without me weighing you down.

i'm sorry, joshua. i'm so, so, so fucking sorry.
it wasn't meant to end like this.
i hate myself.

why do i always ruin things, joshua?
why can't i be happy?
why do i have to be like this, why can't it stop?

please, joshua, please, tell me it's gonna stop. please make it stop, i don't want this to go on forever. i have to do something.

i don't know what to do.

i hate this.

it wasn't supposed to end like this, joshua. we were supposed to grow old and wrinkly together and watch our grandchildren play in our house. we were supposed to be together, and now i'm ruining it. maybe you'll forgive me some day.

you don't have to, it's perfectly fine. and besides, i won't know it anyway. just swear you will keep on going and won't lose yourself because of me. that isn't what's supposed to happen.

please don't die.
please.

i love you. i always will.

i'm sorry we never got our happy ending. it was meant to happen, and now i ruined it.

i'm so, so sorry.

i love you, joshua. i love you to pluto and back. i love you more than anything i have ever loved, with every cell of my body. so much that sometimes it's tiring.

i'm sorry.

lovingly,

tyler robert joseph.

a/n; well, now i've finished my second story. wow. cool.
anyways, did y'all like this? was there anything i could've done better or something i could improve?

well, thanks for reading anyone that got this far!