The Wolf and The Lion || Jaime Lannister

Seventy Four

Rayna

Jaime walks me outside to the stables. I certainly have a long journey ahead of me. I look at my riding party which consists of Brienne, Podrick and the Hound.
Certainly an interesting mix considering the last time those they were together Brienne and the Hound almost fought to the death.
To be honest I'm glad Sandor is with me. Brienne is an excellent fighter but Sandor has brute strength and while Brienne may hesitate he won't.
"Do you want me to get some of my soldiers to come with you North?" Jaime asks and I half roll my eyes at him, always so protective of me.
"Have you forgotten that I know how to hold a sword?" I tease playfully "I learned from the best after all"
He looks somewhat flattered but he's still concerned. He takes me hand and bends down to say quietly "Sweetheart, the Kings Road is a lot more dangerous than you remember"
As overprotective and worrisome he can be I know he's right. If it was just me I'd laugh and say it's fine but I have a baby inside me that I need to protect. Even if I could fight off attackers one bad hit and it's over.
"Once I make it into the Riverlands I'll be safe", I try to assure him.
"It's a long way between here and the Riverlands, let me send half a dozen men with you"
Half a dozen men is a lot but then again I brought more than that to Dragonstone.
"How many of my men stayed behind", I ask Brienne.
"Four", she replies.
I look at Jaime knowing that the extra men won't hurt and I know that all he'll do is worry if I don't take them.
"Alright, four more men", I agree
He squeezes my hand and gives me a small smile "These men know the land and anyone who sees you being accompanied by Lannister soldiers will think twice about trying anything",
He's really thought about this, sometimes I do forget he is a military strategist and that he was the commander of the Kingsguard. His job for twenty years was protecting a king, he knows what he's talking about. If there is anyone I should trust with my safety it's the former commander of the Kingsguard.
"Leader of my armies and unofficial protecter of the Queen", I whisper in his ear as I kiss his cheek.
"Let me get some of my best men", he says giving me a quick kiss before he's stopped by one of his commanders to discuss preparations.
Brienne approaches me "Did you two talk?" She asks and I remember how I was when she last saw me. Walking down the hall fuming with Jaime chasing after me.
"It's fine, Cersei was lying as usual", I dismiss then mutter "Well mostly"
"Mostly?" She asks and I know that if Jaime hurt me she'd be the one to go hurt him. Well perhaps not hurt but certainly give him a good scolding.
"It's fine", I promise her. It does bother me that even for a split second he considered it. That he might have slept with Cersei and began his relationship with her again if he hadn't found the letter but he didn't. He didn't sleep with her and he never will again. He never thought he would see me again and he knew I was married. I'm sure he knew I was reluctantly married but he never knew how bad it was. I expected to be forced to sleep with Ramsay but I never expected the abuse. If Jaime knew what Ramsay was doing while I was still there he would have rode day and night to come save me but by the time he found out I was long gone.
There was a time I never thought I'd see him again as well. When I felt betrayed by him as I imagine he felt betrayed by me. When Littlefinger forged those letters. I did seduce Littlefinger, I never slept with him but I'm not exactly innocent. When we were in the crypt and I realised that he was hiding letters from Jaime I would have slept with him to get them, I would have done anything to know the truth not that it would have changed anything. At that point I was already a prisoner. For months in the Vale and until we reached Winterfell I thought I was free and that Littlefinger was my protector, instead he was my captor. I never realised until we stood on the hill overlooking Winterfell and I wanted to turn back and he threatened to have his men chase me down and bring me back if I ran. Littlefinger made me a fool, he made be believe I was in control when in reality I wasn't just his doll I was his prisoner. In the end however he was still the one who believed he was in control, little did he know as soon as I escaped Ramsay I had taken back my control. When I took back Winterfell I was in control while he thought I was still his pawn and he lost his head for underestimating me. In the Vale Littlefingers advances were unwanted but eventually I returned them praying that he wouldn't do what he inevitably did which was sell me.
Jaime and I both reluctantly turned to other people when we thought we'd never see each other again, for very different reasons however. He kept what happened with Cersei a secret because he knew how I'd react and it's why I still haven't told him about the night in the crypt with Littlefinger.
I look up and see Jaime still talking with one of his commanders nearby.
"Jaime", I call out unevenly and he cocks his head to the side a little as he approaches me "I've been a hypocrite, before I go it's only right I tell you the truth as you've told me"
Brienne dismisses herself and Jaime gives me a hesitant look "Alright"
If I don't tell him after he confessed everything to me it will only eat me up inside.
"You've told me the truth about Cersei and I need to tell you the truth about Littlefinger", I begin anxiously as I can see the jealousy he's barely restraining. I decide it's best if I don't look at him "You know that he made advances towards me and that occasionally I obliged them, I did kiss him yes but it wasn't just once. I never allowed him to touch me before the situation with those damn letters but afterwards I would allow him to kiss me and I foolishly believed that if I emotionally seduced him then I would be safer with him. So towards the end I would act as the initiator as much as it disgusted me"
I pause as I try to bring myself to speak of the crypt but Jaime mistakes the silence as me being finished.
"Is that all?" he asks with a short laugh for my sake "He propositioned you and you did what you had to so he wouldn't turn to Sansa"
I feel sick to my stomach as I confess "No that's not all"
He sees the look in my eyes and bows his head as he presses his lips firmly together.
"When Littlefinger sold me to the Bolton's he found me in the crypt to farewell me and it was at that point I began to realise what a monster Ramsay was so I begged him to get me out of there but he wouldn't. In his satchel I saw letters with Lannister sigils and I knew that they had to be yours, letters that I had never received. In my desperation to make him stay and get me out of Winterfell and to get the letters I-"
I can't say it. It's far too shameful.
"Please finish that sentence it can't be as worse as what I'm imaging", he says quietly.
"I was going to whore myself out to him and considering he had already sold me like one I thought that I might as well act like one if it meant I could get out of there or if I could know the truth. As I was undressing him he realised that I wanted those letters and he ran before I could get them and said that he planned to marry me and that he wanted to wait until then"
He seems somewhat relieved, clearly he imagined far worse but his expression is still pained.
"I'm sorry if that was unexpected but I thought that if your going to confess to nearly sleeping with Cersei then I should confess to nearly sleeping with Littlefinger"
I except him to be angry or jealous. To walk away and leave me here but instead he caresses my cheek softly and brings my eyes to meet his.
"When I nearly slept with Cersei she had been propositioning me for months until I finally gave in. If she was a man and I was a woman I likely would have given into her long before I did and even then I wouldn't have wanted it so I can understand why you did what you did with Littlefinger", he says so understandingly that it breaks my heart "You were heartbroken and vulnerable and he took advantage you, I know what it's like to give in after being propositioned for so long. You were desperate and I would never be angry at you for that"
Gently I take his hand and tell him "Littlefinger abused me as Cersei abused you"
His eyes widen and I can see for the first time he truly realises what Cersei is, what she did to him. He just said it himself, if Cersei was a man and he was a woman he would have given into her more easily meaning that he would have let her violate him. But what he doesn't realise is that even though he is a man he did allow it, for years he tolerated the same abuse many women do at the hands of their husbands.
"When you were only just older than a boy Cersei made you give up your freedom and life to please her, for years you were terrified of her Jaime but she made you stay. She used you and manipulated you for years. Ramsay's abuse to me may have been horrific but she abused you your entire life"
Tears come to his eyes as rests his forehead against mine and he's shaking slightly as he holds me. As a woman I always knew it was abuse but Jaime thought it was what he deserved. That what Cersei did to him was love. There is no doubt in my mind that she would have inflicted similar abuse Ramsay did to me onto him. That she has coerced him into sex and abused him emotionally and physically. I was raped and abused by a man I despised from the start but the same happened to Jaime his entire life by a woman he loved except she knew to make it subtle enough that he would never realise it. Until now.
His breathing is uneven as he buries his face in my hair and wraps his arms around me even more tightly to the point he is clinging to me.
"Until I met you", he trembles as he meets my eyes "She did all of that until I met you and I realised that everything she did to me wasn't love"
His eyes burn with tears and I take his face in my hands as I kiss him gently "I will never become like her", I promise him feeling sicker than ever before at the comparisons between us.
"I know sweetheart", he says kissing me softly and I can taste his tears "You are nothing like her"
For a while we just stand there in each other's arms as silent tears fall down both of our cheeks and I silently vow to love him how he should have been loved by her. To never become her.
Eventually he pulls away enough for me to wipe a tear from his eye and he takes that hand and kisses it tenderly "I'll go get those extra men"
I nod and he leaves to find them. I realise that Brienne and the others must have dismissed themselves long ago and that it's been just Jaime and I alone together.
After today I know that I will never let anyone like Cersei or Littlefinger get in my head again. I will never let anyone try to convince me that Jaime has betrayed me because I know that he will never. He is more loyal to me than my own blood. He is my husband and as angry as we can get with each other we will always go to bed together and wake up in each other's arms. Except I don't need to get angry with him, although heated arguments are inevitable they don't need to be taken to extremes. We have both suffered far too many of those at the hands of others. Looking back I can see how he would flinch away and cringe when I would raise my voice, how if I raised my hand in frustration he would recoil as if I was going to hit him but although I never did he was still afraid. Even now although I do enjoy getting a bit rough during sex, some nights I may not see Jaimes face or something will happen and my mind will go back to those nights with Ramsay and I'd suddenly begin to struggle against Jaime and he would immediately stop and repeatedly make sure I'm okay and will often hold me instead of reinitiating sex. Although ever since we reunited after the battle he has always checked to make sure I'm comfortable the scars of what I suffered from Ramsay are still there. Just as how the scars he suffered from Cersei are still there. Although we never suffered the abuse at each other's hands we will always live with what others did to us and to live with it we need to understand just what the other has suffered and change things that are normal to make each other feel safe. I'd always raise my voice and my hands in frustration at my brothers while fighting but with Jaime sometimes he still grabs my wrist and flinches away fearing what I may do. Even though the only time I've ever properly struck him was when I discovered what he did to Bran he fears the abuse and it's not hard to gather it was Cersei he suffered it from. Just as how we always used to be so carefree and rough in bed back in Kings Landing but after Ramsay Jaime knew that wasn't how things would be anymore and he does everything he can to make me feel safe. I just wished I realised his scars from Cersei sooner.
Jaime returns with four Lannister men as promised and they join my other men who I've realised have moved down the road as they wait for me with Brienne, Podrick and Sandor. I suspect Brienne moved them there to give Jaime and I privacy.
"Well I suppose marching through Riverrun and the North with Northman and Lannister soldiers together will send a message", I say as I see the Stark and Lannister banners side by side.
"Indeed it will", he says and he looks proud of himself. A little too proud.
"What is it?" I ask with a sly curious smile and he opens his hand to reveal a gold necklace.
"I had something made for you, I was going to give it to you this morning but well we were interrupted", he says somewhat nervously as he presses it into my hand.
The Lannister lion and the Stark wolf engraved into a gold locket. "Jaime it's beautiful", I breathe in awe as I run my thumb over it. Despite everything going on he thought to have something made for me.
"I wanted to give you something special and well they have some of the best goldsmiths here", he says and I reach up to kiss him passionately and he lifts me up off the ground as I do. Gods I just want to stay here with him.
He sets me down and asks with a cocky grin "Do you like it?"
"I love it and I love you, thank you", I say kissing him again and letting my lips linger on his. I look up into his eyes and the love in them absolutely melts my heart.
His hand rests on my waist and his thumb runs over my stomach "And I love you both", he whispers as he kisses me.
I memorise the feeling of his lips and how his hand caresses my face as he deepens the kiss. I memorise every single touch.
I hear one of the horses neighing down the road and I know that it's time to go.
I latch the necklace around my neck and he touches his forehead to mine.
"I'll be home before you know it", he promises.
"You better be, I'll need someone there to keep me sane", I tease and he kisses me one last time.