Hospitalized
In the last chapters you were able to learn about how my first suicide attempt went down right? Now lets talk about how the hospital visit all went down. And i can assure you, this was a shitty emotional rollercoaster.
In the first hospital room i was in, social workers, nurses, and doctors came in and out of the room. Blood test and pee test were being done on me. After they got the results back on the blood and pee test, they took my mom out the room and told her.
" nothing showed up on the test that she took the pills"
What the fuck?
I know for a fact that i took those pills.
Fucking doctors.
It was time to move me to the second hospital room in the emergency room, in that hospital room my mother still was allowed to stay with me.. but i had to have one of my wrist tied up to the metal part of the hospital bed and there was a nurse or they called it was " suicide watchers" sitting right out my door and there was two other ones because there was two other patients in two other rooms right next to me.
We waited in that room for 3 hours.. until it was time to transport me to the rady childrens outpatient hospital. A police officer and a nurse with a wheel chair stood right out my hospital room door waiting to transport me. They untied my wrist , helped me sit on the wheelchair and of course because of " safety reasons" they had to again handcuff my hands so i wouldnt be tempted to hurt myself or others, thats also the reason why the police officer is with us ready with a taser or even a gun.
It was a long journey to arrive to the other part of the hospital where the outpatient part was, when we arrived to the doors of the hospital there were signs that said.
" WATCH OUT FOR PATIENTS "
" DO NOT MAKE NOISE "
those signs were in big red letters which terrifed me.
The two big doors opened and we entered a hospital with a nurses station in the middle and two rows with many rooms, one side boys and one side girls.. and the only way you were able to get into the rooms, staff were only able to get in is with a key card.
Just like prison.
They sent my mom into a room with a sign on the side that said chapel but it was just a room with a confrence table in the middle.. then two nurses took me into a other room where they made me strip and begin an entire body exam where they were trying to find if i had any bruises or cuts and they would mark it on those papers the coroner use to mark when they see a dead body on a crime scene.
The only marks they found on me were old cuts from 3 weeks ago.
Then they finally took me into the chapel room with my mom. I sat next to her and a nurse walked into the room.
She explained to us how the hospital works, that i would stay there for 3 days, get released in the afternoon on the 3rd day, get phone time , and the news that she gave me that i really did not want to hear was
" no, your mom cannot stay with you.. "
and my mom thought she would have been able to stay with me, she did not want to leave me.
After a couple of minutes, she left the room and let me and my mom stay together for a couple of minutes.
This moment
This fucking moment that you are about to hear next
Changed my mom and i's relationship forever.
and it fucking broke my heart into a million pieces
i looked over to my mom, with a bunch of tears in my eyes.. she grabbed me and made me lay on her lap like a baby.
Keep in mind still, shes pregnant.. and shes also wearing her work uniform .. she missed an entire day of work because of me.
she held onto me still on her lap, and she stroked on my hair.. i buried my face into her chest and began to cry so loud.. all i can hear from her was her cry too and that made me feel so awful.
" you cant do this again lesley please" she cried
" i love you so much, you cant do this please baby"
" do whatever you can so they can let you out please.. im so sorry if i was a bad mom.. i love you so much mija you cant be doing this please" she cried
All i can do in that moment .. was to cry.. i was so heart broken and i did not know what to do. she kissed my forehead.. and the nurse walked inside letting us know it was time for me to go.
we stood outside and my mom hugged me so fucking tight and cried even more..
" remember what i told you mija, please be strong and do whatever they say.. i love you so much" she cried and kissed my forehead.
I did not let her go, i kept a strong grip on her and began to scream
" please dont leave me , dont go please"
i cried so loud, two male nurses had to come rip me away from my mom , they opened the doors for her and i tried so hard to get out there grip but my mom left me..
i was taken into my hospital room
it had a big heavy door with a giant window so the nurses would come and check on what we were doing .. it had two beds.. and a bathroom .. the door for the bathroom was made of foam, and there was nothing we can entertain ourselves with just walls.. i carefully walked out my room to the nurses station.. still with red eyes and wearing a hospital gown.. they allowed me to call my mother since i was a first timer patient and i was screaming my lungs out.
What i remeber from that phone call, i told my mom how much i was sorry and that i loved her so much.. she told me she missed me and that to remember what she said because that would have been the only way out of this place.
In my opinion, that entire hospital visit.. was just like prison.. doctors and social workers taking you out to see you.. scheduled phone time.. and you were only allowed to call for 20 minitues.. pill call and scheduled meals but atleast you were able to tell them what you wanted, and also visitation time.. but with nurses with handcuffs walking around a room full of patients with there families..just like fucking jail and also my mom was the only one who came to visit me.. my dad did not want to see me at all which hurt like a bitch but i mean what can i do right? also at the entrance your loved ones had leave everything they brought to the hospital like phones, purses and keys inside a locker in the lobby of the outpatient hospital and they were patted down.
After that hospital experince.. my father and i had a bad relationship.. we did not talk to each other for a couple of months until we started again but we just said a few words to each other.
But something that really hurt me that my mom told me was that .. when she left the hospital.. on her way home.. she could not stop crying.. the entire ride home, she was sobbing her eyes out.
i love that woman more than anyone and anything in the world.
and if it weren't for her..
i would have been dead by now.
