Hospitalized
Dried Tears
Dried blood
Blood all over my clothes
Bruises along my wrist because of how the police handcuffed me
After a couple of chapters , you have been able to learn about how of a shitty emotional rollercoaster I had to go through just in the 16 years I have been alive
You learned how my first suicide attempt went down.. and how my entire life changed.
Now it's the second time
and let me tell you how it all went down.
So I arrive to rady children's hospital emergency room once again.. alone
My mother has still not arrived to the hospital yet which kinda makes me sad .. since she's leaving me by myself.
They begin to do the same process like last time..
Make me go through a blood and urine test
Have a nurse half way inside with me in the bathroom , since I wasn't trusted to go anywhere by myself.
But this time is a little different since they had to make me lay down on a bed , handcuff me to it still and Inject some sort of liquid in me to like clear my blood or something because of how many pills I overdosed on.
Then my mom finally arrived with McDonald's (: , she kisses my forehead and I begin to apologize for what I did ..
All she did was kiss my forehead
We spent 4 hours in the ER , social workers , psychiatrist , doctors , nurses walking in and out of my room.
But
Guess what ?
A social worker came into my room and told my mother since this was my second suicide attempt that they were going to have to send a social worker to my house to see how our living conditions are and how my family is to one another.
Fuck
A social worker coming to our house meant the possibility of me and my siblings being taken away from our home for my problems and situations and that meant , my mother hating me for the rest of my life.
Then it was time to transport me to rady childrens outpatient caps
With once again , a nurse , a wheel chair, my mom , and a police officer with my hands .. handcuffed
After a long journey through many empty hallways of the hospital , we finally arrive once again to the two big doors of the outpatient hospital , i had to go through again with the body check up ..
The cuts I have made that made me bleed all over myself were deep so they had to put small stitches into them, I had 10 stitches on my left arm and a bandaid wrapped around my entire arm
It hurt so bad every time I had to move my arm
After that, I was allowed to be with my mom for 10 minutes, she sat across from me as I continued to look down..
I still remember very clearly the entire conversation my mother and I had that day.
" why did you do it? " she asked
I didn't answer
" was it because I'm a bad mom? " she asked once more
" your not a bad mom, i just wanted to do it .. " i say
" you know , your dad called me " she adds
" to say the usually thing ? " I ask
" he asked me , why was I even here with you? He told me that I should have just left you by yourself and not even rescue you " my mom says
" shit " I respond " dad doesn't love me huh ? " I ask
" Lesley , you've caused so much problems for this family .. how do you think we were suppose to react ? " she ask
" as the loving parents I once thought I had " I say
" your grandma wonders too why didn't I just leave you here" she adds
" why don't you just leave me ? Leave me by myself to rot and die like I was suppose to do in the first place " I cry
" I won't leave you because I don't think I'm a bad mom myself, remember what I told you mija, I will be by your side through everything " my mother says as she stands up, comes towards me and hugs me
I cry in her arms
My dad and my grandma were the only two people in my entire life who did not support me in anything, my dad would tell my mom to leave me in the hospital for months and the day he found out I had to start taking medications he would call me crazy and stupid, saying I wasn't his daughter.
My grandmother still has the mind of someone back then. Saying that depression and mental health doesn't exist. She also tried to convince my mom to put me in adoption because my grandmother did not want a crazy person as a granddaughter. I hate my grandmother more than anyone in my entire life.
One day , I was crying in my room .. and my mom was in the kitchen with my grandma.. I heard my mom say " omg I wish I can put her up for adoption " which broke my heart into a million pieces because my grandmother finally was able to convince her.
Since that day, I have never considered my grandma, my grandma.. I always considered her as senora which is lady in Spanish.
Usually in rady caps , you stay for a 3 day hold, it was the 3rd day.. thinking I was suppose to leave until I find out I was going to stay for a week because my mom did not want to take me home because she wanted to teach me a lesson.
So I stayed for a week.. I was able to meet a few girls who were going through the same situation as me .. girls who were lesbian and thought I was cute. Around there they would call me the cute girl.
My family came to visit me one day as well since my 12 year old sister was able to come inside the hospital to see me but not my younger siblings
And to my surprise .. my dad came to visit me, we talked about how it was there and what I was doing to get better.
After a couple of hours , my mom and sister , and my dad had to take turns to come inside then it was time to leave.
Something from that visit that broke me so much and made me change my state of mind
Was when , my mom and dad showed me my younger brother and sister from the windows of the two big doors ..
I broke down
I told myself
I do not want them to be like me
I do not want them to see me like this
I cried so bad , the nurses had to give me medication to calm down.
That second visit to the hospital.
Changed me so much.
