Let Me In (book 2 - follow on from Abandoned)

7

Jane's PoV

I never called Maura. I couldn't bring myself to, I felt so raw and ashamed.

I didn't go back into work for the rest of the week. In fact here I am 445am Monday morning nursing a coffee because I can't sleep and I can't work out my knuckles are bruised and swollen.

All I have done since Maura left is repeatedly punch my bag shower and force myself to eat. Every time my phone rang from Frost, Sam, Mark or Lee I cut them off. I'm cutting them out again. Not for my sake, but for theirs. I don't know how I'm going to get this back under control. I had been doing so well at not allowing people in not letting them touch me.

Yet seeing Maura, there's no denying how much I am still in love with her and I want to be able to express it. Yet the fucked up things that happened are forcing me to see pain and torture every time she's touched me. The worst part is knowing that she will never push me, but I want to push myself, I want and need to be able to touch her. Grabbing my phone I decide to send her a message

Maura,
I'm sorry I didn't call.
I'm hoping this message won't wake you.
There is no excuse for why I didn't but I hope you're not angry at me. I need to find a way of being able to try and deal with this. I don't want to push you away. Please know that every time I see you all I want to do is take hold of you and feel your lips against mine, but I'm so scared that I will end up hurting you. Anyway I'm coming back to work today, so I am sure I will see you there.
Jane xx

After hitting send I make quick work of getting a shower and as I'm getting dressed I hear my phone buzz across the coffee table

Janie, I'm not angry with you, I have been worried but I know you needed space to try to get your head around things. I do have a suggestion though but I really don't know what you will think about it.
You didn't wake me. You'll no doubt be doing your morning routine of working out before getting ready so I'll see you at work.
Maura xx

I can't help but smile knowing that she's awake but also frown because she should still be asleep.

Do I even want to know why your up at this hour?
What would your suggestion be?
No working out for me for a while my routine is currently on hold.. Jane xx

What do you mean it's on hold?! What happened? Maura xx

Got any ice packs in your lab? :-/ Jane xx

Jane! Do I even want to know? Maura xx

Erm.. since you left, my routine has basically been my punch bag.. only stopping to make myself eat and shower.. so yeah no more punch bag for me for a while... Jane xx

Do you want me to take you to have a doctor look at your knuckles?? Maura xx

I can't help but laugh at her response

That's ok thank you.. I'll make sure I see them today.. are you going to tell me your suggestion?? Jane xx

If your sure.. I don't mind taking you..
My suggestion Janie... don't overthink it.. don't give yourself time to think about what could happen when you want to do something otherwise you will continually be stuck in the what if. Trust yourself! You take control..
Now don't text me back I need to get ready or I'll be late! I'll see you later :) Maura xx

I re read her message a few times she really does make sense if I don't overthink it then I'm not giving it power therefore in return I'm taking some of the control back.

With that in mind I leave and head for work letting myself into the dark building to go over all the grading I have missed from the last week.
Ignoring the pain in my knuckles as I work my way through the grading.