Break me to build me

chapter 16

LOUIS´ POV

He is impossible to handle he wants me to stop sleep around? I can’t do that… how am I supposed to that, all the guys wants me and I want them but I know I want to settle down with harry someday, but if he leaves what am I supposed to do? I don’t know why I have started to feel this way about settling down and all that it’s just that every time I come home and harry is angry because he knows everything I have done because I´m often always wasted when I come home and probably smell and look like sex…

I´m currently sitting in our bed and looking at Harry's naked back, I know he wants me to stop and our relationship has proved why, we fight all the time about me being so dumb that I´m sleeping with others and that fight we had yesterday that I said that I like more muscular men… I´m so fucking dumb, yes you fucking heard me I´m swearing, I know I can stop! Why don’t I. I´m going to stop I´m not going to keep this up I´m going to not go to clubs I´m not going to drink I´m stopping all that. I don’t WANT my Harry to be angry at me I don’t want him to think that he is shit or that he isn’t enough for me cause he is! He very much is! He is the sculpture that Is holding me up he is the rock I lean on when I´m feeling like shit, I haven’t been there for him when he has been feeling shit I have been out clubbing and he has been sitting and worrying about me coming home drunk and have sex hair. He looks mad every time I come home but he doesn’t say anything until the following morning. And every time we are with Niall, Liam and Justin we act all loved up but in reality it’s not really like that… we make out yes… but that is on the good days not these days and I think that these days aren’t really so good anymore and it’s all because of me… I´m so stupid and the first time I recognize it is after three years! I´m wicked! I shouldn’t even be with him because he deserve someone that doesn’t cheat on him he needs a honest man to take care of him. But instead of leaving me he stays…

I get myself up from the bed and run over to him and hug him from behind and kiss him as tears fall from my eyes.

“I swear to god that I´m going to stop! I swear! don’t leave me, I would be dead without you don’t leave me!” I sob in to his neck, it’s a giant mirror so he could see my years and me holding him harder than ever before.

“I won’t. Where did you get that from?”

“you are always taking care of me and I´m always out clubbing and sleeping around even tough that you are sitting here at home and worrying about me coming home wasted and that you actually deserve so much better! You don’t actually need me and I don’t deserve you!”       

“no, you don’t but I won’t leave you just because of it I know that you can stop and I promise you that if I ever was to leave you I wouldn’t find anyone else to love because you have completely stolen my heart! So if you think I would even think about leaving you, your wrong! Now let’s go and shower!” he kissed me and walked in to the bathroom with me right behind him.

“you know that I love you… right?” I ask him as he bring my shirt over my head and kiss my shoulder.

“yeah, come closer…” he whisper as I move closer he brings his arms around my waist and stars to kiss up my neck he nibbles and kiss where he made small bite marks

“and you know that I would never purposely hurt you?” he starts to tug at my belt and at the end taking it off

“no…” he says and I back away from him and look at him, as I look at him I could see hurt and no trust…

“I know that this might seem really bad but I don’t trust you… but you have to believe that I love you and I can’t make you believe me by myself its only you who can! And I would do anything to trust you again but you now I can’t because you have promised so many times! And every time you have broken the promise… so no, I do not trust you… and I won’t trust you until you hold your promise!” how can he sa- oh wait I sleep around with other men and come home drunk… I wouldn’t even trust myself!  

“I know… I know that I will hold this single promise… this is for you harry! I won’t fucking break it! I won’t lose you!” I scream at him whilst covering my mouth

“you know you can’t promise that…”

“I know that I´m hesitating but you always say that I can change and I think that I can change but you have to help me! you have to say to me when I have done something wrong, you have to tell me when things in your life is shit so I can fix it! You can’t hold emotions in, you have to let yourself trust me…”

“I-I really want to but are you sure if I let you in that you, will stay….”

“I won’t leave I know I want to settle down with you! No one else! And in front of all of our friends, we play like I have done nothing and that really piss me of because they think that we are doing great… they think that we don’t have any problem with our relationship! I can’t bear to look at their loving eyes that think that we are the best fucking couple you will ever meet… you know you want to tell the truth to everyone but you didn’t because then they would feel bad for you and practically kill me…”

“I know that it seems bad that I don’t trust you and all that but I will make you a promise that I want to hold on to! So I will learn to trust you if you learn to just, love me…” he whispers. I nod as he look up into my eyes.

I walk up to him and kiss him under his ear and whisper “I promise you Harry Edward Styles that I will love you even if this world was to end, I promise you Harry Styles that even if the stars will fade I will shine on you when the night arrives…”

I kiss him down the neck “ I promise you Harry that you are the only light that will ever light me up when the dark takes me…” I kiss up to his cheek

“but for now… I can only love you as much as you want me to… so this, this choice you have to make is yours not mine nor anyone else’s, so I ask you Harry, do you want me to love you as much as I want to love you?” I lean in to the lips that I have been unfaithful for two years.

“I-I-I”