Tales of A Libra

Seeking for the Truth

"Can you say it again?" she asked me as she turned away from her laptop and gave me a complete curious stare with those lovely hazel pupils sparkling behind the rimmed glasses. Her bending body caused her shirt to shift soundlessly as she leaned closer wanting to hear my voice louder, and I was quite surprised to know that I did fail to project out my voice better than I usually did. Her soft yet pale brunette hair cascaded and slid down her shoulders as she did so. I darted my eyes around making sure that it was just me and her in the class, and that I deemed the privacy here was adequate, at least.

"Is it possible to retrieve back the memories of a childhood, miss?" I asked again, repeating what I just did before. I did not hesitate in asking, although I did lower my head slightly given at how close I was with her, and I already could feel the rising sense of awkwardness developing within me, yet it was just me who decided to take the entire situation as an 'awkward one' as I was never a huge fan of standing closely with someone I rather labeled as an acquaintance. Yet I did not see the same awkwardness lingering upon her eyes, it was just me again. But, I knew I was more attentive of what answer she would be giving me soon. So I waited and tried to stare at her back, hoping she noticed how important her answer would be for me.

"It's a yes." she softly answered. I was speechless by then and tried to make up words but she halted me in the middle. "But, what is your deeper meaning for that? It is just trying to remember your childhood, right?" she was now asking me. Her stare now was deeper than before, and I knew I had to reply quick.

I instantly nodded my head. Yes, I just wanted to remember the one important part of my childhood, which seemed to be erased from me with a reason I did not catch. If I was not supposed to know or to remember the memory, then life was not even supposed to leave me with a lame cliff hanger of a 'broken' memory piece which led me to this memory hunting, again. She seemed to catch my meaning, and she smiled at me. Then I noticed and could already sense that the silence was about to fall upon us, and I did not want that.

"But how?" I quickly asked, interested. If I was really able to remember back the past, then this woman could be my only answer for the method. I did not care if I did sound in a rush, because I was really in a rush. I glanced outside and I saw my friends peeking over me walking outside of the class, and we did some silent agreement once glimpsing at each other indicating they would be waiting for me outside, and it was break time, I should not let them wait too long. "It is just I have this part of memory where I remember only this one certain part and then everything seems to be like somehow erased from me." I tried my best to describe and summarise the situation I was in.

"Actually." she began and I returned my curious stare at her. Her hazel eyes diverted down a bit, now closing her laptop with a quiet soft thud which I could barely hear. She looked back at me and now she seemed much more focused given at how I did present her with my attentive nature. "Before you could actually try to remember the memory, you should ask yourself few questions first." she told me with a reassuring smile.

Asking questions? I straight away understood the concept as an easy one. I loved to question myself at some points, but little did I notice that this term of questioning one's self was quite different than what I thought it would be. She never removed her stare from me to the point that I tried looking out the window in an attempt to stop myself from feeling uncomfortable, - I was an awkward figure for eye contacts, wondered how I did it during oral exams. But again, I gave her a silent answer but with a more focused stare, telepathically telling her that I was ready at whatever she was about to say next.

"The first thing you should ask yourself is," she began and paused, there was a second of delay in her tone and I was already listening her. "Is it important for you to remember the memory back?" she stated and made a remark, "And the last question you should ask yourself is, will you be able to continue your life after knowing the memory then?" she ended it right there.

I was stunned for a little while. Not because I was speechless or what, but because I did not expect for such questions to appear right in front of me. She continued to look at me and elaborated the reasons why I should be asking myself those two questions first, but my mind was already drifting away into a deeper space in my mind that her voice seemed to loiter around the atmosphere, never to touch the ground. I could not start out my mind completely, and it was not because I failed to comprehend or decipher the meaning behind those words, but because those questions were like an ambush for me who was hiding behind a bush. I zoned out for a little bit, and I stayed quiet, yet finding myself nodding at times toward her voice which seemed to subdue in my thoughts.

"- So you should ask those questions first to yourself before proceed in remembering them." that was the part I managed to return to and hear, and it turned out that was the final part of her elaboration.

"I see..." my smile faltered, but I did not think she notice that. I glanced at my phone screen and notice I had spent some minutes of the break time and I worried I caused my friends to miss their resting moment there.

"Telling me more info of your situation can help." she continued with a small smile, looked like she was trying to read me open, which I could not allow someone to do that easily, "That's why I asked some of you to tell me their experiences regarding the questions they asked me about, like you for your sleep paralysis and others and vice versa." she clarified, recalling of the previous lesson we had.

"What kind of information?" I questioned now, just sounded as curious as we both seemed to be toward each other. That was right, what information should I try to pick here?

She shrugged at me, "Anything." she replied simply, "Related to your experience."

"I see..." I did that again and delivered her another of my faltering smile. Yet from that conversation we both acknowlegded that we had reach the final part of it all; the closure.

She seemed to understand, or to be able to read me that I had indicated that I needed to go since my friends were waiting outside and that it had been minutes since break time had started. And she was already packing her laptop herself so finally I said a word of thanks to her and bid her farewell kindly before making my way to the door, having a step outside of the class and finally left her behind. I wanted to thank her more really.

"Let's go." I said to my friends with a chuckle, releasing the awkward tension before and now being replaced with a casual atmosphere.
I deliberately allowed my friends to walk ahead of me, only to listen to their conversation of how a Psychology class actually proceeded while I was in my own thought behind them. My pace slowed down and my steps were lighter as I lowered my head slightly, drifting into my own world of questions.

So...

Is it important for me to retrieve back the erased memory of my childhood? Yes it is.

Then, will you be able to continue your life after getting the memory back? ....

And I fail to answer this question for myself, again. I mean, I supposed I could, but I will never know.