[AustinCarlile] Live Forever

[AustinCarlile] Live Forever [ChapterTwentyNine]

Author's Note:

I HAVE SUCH BAD WRITER'S BLOCK FOR THIS STORY AND I JUST WANT TO GET TO THE MARYLAND DATE SO EITHER SOMEONE NEEDS TO HELP ME OR TELL ME THAT IT'S OKAY TO JUST SKIP AHEAD TO MARYLAND. Thanks.

Asia wraps her fingers around my hair as I squat down in front of the toilet of the bus, the two of us silent, listening to the screaming coming from the front of the bus, and I heave, feeling sick, my face feel hot, like all the blood drained from my face. “I can’t believe she’s actually here.” Her words are quiet, like she’s worried what she’s saying will make everything worse, but it doesn’t, I feel the exact same way, I don’t know why she’s here, I was finally happy, I wasn’t constantly worrying about what’s happening in Maryland, I was living in the moment, and now, now I don’t want to live in the moment, ever.

Dry heaving once again, I place my hands on the edge of the toilet seat, dropping to my knees, resting my weight on my shins, not caring about the fat that puffs out at my thighs because of the pressure. “I feel sick.” It’s all I can croak out, because it’s then that I vomit, into the toilet, closing my eyes shut tightly, hearing Asia squeal softly, and I ball my fingers into a fist, rubbing my eye with it. “I'm so sorry.”

Shaking her head, keeping her fingers wrapped around my hair, she reaches over for the cup on the counter of the small sink, turning the faucet on and letting it run for a few seconds. “I don’t know what she’s doing here. She’s just waiting for him to come crawling back to her so she can send him away like he did to her.” I ignore what she’s saying, it doesn’t make me feel any better, it doesn’t erase the fact that this is happening, it doesn’t make Gielle just disappear.

“This is getting ridiculous.” Running a hand through my hair, I reach up and take the cup of water from Asia’s hand, swirling the water in my mouth, shakily standing up and spitting the water out into the sink. “Do you have a mint or gum or something?” This is absolutely pathetic, I knew better, I knew that I shouldn’t have gotten involved with Austin, he was just the guy I admired from afar, because this is what would happen, and I'm not ready or willing to deal with any of this.

“Can I get a picture with you?” Someone’s hand rests on my shoulder, causing me to spin around quickly, my head dizzy with the sudden motion, and I smile, nodding my head enthusiastically, biting down on my lower lip when I realize that it’s only Adam. Laughing, he places one hand on his stomach, clutching it as if the laughter is too painful, but I roll my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest, but he doesn’t care, what he just did was the funniest prank he could ever come up with.

 

There are so many people who know me, so many people walking up to me and asking for an autograph and a picture, so many people singing along to the words I wrote, and it’s the best feeling in the world, this is what I'm meant to do, this is where I'm meant to be. “You're an asshole.” I don’t think that any of this would be as amazing if he wasn’t here for the ride, if he wasn’t included in all of this, because this is my family, the guys, Adam, they're my family and they're who I want to surround myself with, no one other than them, because they're the ones that know me the best.

 

Without them, this wouldn’t be possible, especially without Adam, he’s the reason we’re together, the band that is, why we’re all together in a band, because without him none of us would know the potential in ourselves. “Oh, come on, it was so funny. You were so excited. It was entertaining.” Shoving my shoulder with the palm of his hand, he nods his head once, and I realize that he’s acknowledging someone behind us, and I spin around, watching Josh walk over. “Dude, where the hell have you been?”

 

Shrugging his shoulders, Josh runs a hand through his long, shaggy hair, causing me to raise an eyebrow, his actions meaning that he’s lying, that he does know where he’s been and I don’t understand why he would be lying about where he is. “Did you know that when I was at dinner last night, I got knackered?” It takes me a while to figure out what he’s asking, what he means, and it all makes sense to me, he doesn’t speak with the same slang that we do, he means that he got hammered, and I nod my head, laughing.

 

“You were a little out there. It was quite entertaining, actually. Why?” Tilting my head to the side, I slide my hands into the back pockets of my jeans, watching as Liam steps up to bat for the makeshift stickball game going on in the back parking lot of the venue. It’s our first tour, the first time on the road, and we’re on a label, we’re signed, and we’re with You Me At Six, this is huge, this is what all of us were hoping for, and although we’re not headlining yet, we’re living our dreams.

 

Furrowing his eyebrows, he crosses his arms over his chest, yawning with his mouth wide open, causing me to crinkle my nose, being able to see into his mouth. “Well, I recall nothing of last night so I was wondering if you two knew how I ended up on the top of the table.” I hate things like this, drunken moments, awkward moments, things that I wouldn’t normally partake in, it’s not what I like to deal with, and it only scares me for the future, for all the things that I'm going to experience on tour that make me uncomfortable, because I don’t handle discomfort well.

“Do you remember that?” Turning to face him, I lock my hands together, crossing my ankles, swallowing the lump in my throat, waiting for Josh to say something, anything, because I just told him everything that just happened, and he doesn’t look as if he knows how to process it. Besides the guys, he’s the closest thing that I have to my brother, he’s the one person besides the people in my makeshift family who knows about Adam and his accident, well him and the guys in his band, but he’s the one I'm friends with, he’s my best friend.

Sighing heavily, his shoulder slouching forward, shaking his head slowly, as if he’s trying to figure out what my brother would say in this situation, and I love him for that, the fact that he’s trying to fill his shoes while the other guys just try to make it all better, as much as I hate to admit it, I need someone to act like Adam, because that’s what I need right now, I need a brother, not an honorary brother. “Did he defend you? Did he appear to still love her?”

Opening my mouth to answer him, to tell him that he defended me, that it didn’t look like he still loved her, I shut it, tears spilling out of my eyes, a sob racking through my body, that’s exactly what Adam would say, he’d make me look at the situation from a different angle, from the outside, and I miss him, I want him back, I want him here. “I'm sorry.” Quieting my apology, Josh wraps his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his body, allowing me to cry, and I know that he knows what’s wrong, he’s smart, he’s not always the nicest person, but he’s never been mean to me, he’s my pretend Adam.

My phone buzzes in my pocket, and I sit up straight, hurriedly wiping my hands over my eyes, digging in my pocket for my phone, noticing that it’s a text message, and it’s from Austin. Biting down on my lower lip, I laugh softly as Josh leans over and pressed the button to read the message, and I swallow the nervous lump in my throat, especially since I just left, without telling anyone, Asia didn’t know, I simply walked out of the bathroom and shoved my way through the crowded path to the door of the bus.

From: Austin the Giraffe

I had no idea she was actually going to show up. I have no idea where you are. None of us do. But, we figure that you need space, and I understand that. Just know that I'm sorry about what happened, I'm sorry that you felt the way that you did, and remember that I chose you.