[AustinCarlile] Live Forever

[AustinCarlile] Live Forever [ChapterThirty]

Austin Carlile’s Point of View

There are so many things right about this, about us, about what we are and how we work together, yet we still keep our own identities, and I just want to tell everyone that she’s mine, I want to brag to the world, because she’s worth bragging about. People are making it hard, the girls mostly, the fans, the ones who don’t realize that I'm never going to date them, I'm not a pedophile, I'm not trying to get charged for being with a minor, I wouldn’t ever have any sort of romantic relationship with any of them, and even though Devon and I haven’t said anything about our relationship they assume we’re together and they hate her for it.

It’s different with her, because people know who she is, they know her Twitter, they know her url on Tumblr, they know where she is and when as soon as she begins touring, and it’s hard, because I haven’t gotten any shit because people think I'm with her, she gets all of it. She doesn’t bring it up, and when I bring it up she squirms and tries to change the subject, like she either wants to forget it or doesn’t want me to worry about it, but I can’t stop myself from worrying.

When she was in high school, when she was in school, she had the worst time, she wasn’t like the other kids, she didn’t care about partying or who hooked up with who over the weekend, and that was all the other kids cared about. I remember thinking how stupid those people must have been to treat her the way they did, she’s amazing, she’s gorgeous, she’s kind; I told her that they must have been jealous and she laughed, shaking her head, telling me that the number of times she heard that doesn’t make her think that it’s real.

“I have a question.” Her voice is soft, quiet, and I can hear the anxiety in her words, she’s nervous, and I turn my head to look at her, I don’t continue walking, and I tug on her hand when she absentmindedly takes a step ahead of me, only to stumble back into my chest. Blushing, she bites down on her lower lip, running a hand through her hair with her free hand, something I noticed she does a lot when she’s anything but happy, she never does it when she’s happy unless she’s on stage, and even then I think it’s because she feels insecure. “When we’re in Maryland, is there any way that you can take off? Like, just play your set and clear the rest of your day?”

Her family lives in Maryland, I know that, I remember everything that she tells me, or at least I try to remember, my mother told me that was always important to a girl, when a guy actually listens and stores what she says in his mind. I didn’t think that she was going to want anything to do with me after Gielle showed up, she shouldn’t have wanted anything to do with me, Asia said that she threw up; Kellin told me that he saw her with Josh, crying. Gielle didn’t even come for a valid reason, she wanted to see me and have closure, but I was sure that m signature on the divorce papers was enough closure for her, but apparently she’s the only one who is allowed happiness.

The two of us have talked about it, Devon and I, about Gielle, but she hates it, she hates talking about what happened. She says she hated how she reacted more than seeing her, because she thinks that she shouldn’t have done this, there was no reason for her body to react that way, but I told her that no one judged her. “I can have them cancel whatever they scheduled for the day, why?” I know why she’s asking, I'm not stupid, she wants me to meet her family, and I want to meet them, they shaped who she is and she takes this silent pride in them.

Tino showed me her Tumblr, because before any of this I only checked her Twitter, knowing that her Tumblr was mostly like other band blogs, that she didn’t use it for personal things, and that she never answered questions publicly unless they had to do with release dates or tour dates, that everything else was privately answered because she disabled the anonymous option. There was this survey, questionnaire type thing, and she talked about how her father left her, but I never knew that about her before reading that, it couldn’t have slipped her mind, because clearly she thinks about it.

My dad told me that I just had to give her time; she needs her time; we’ve only known each other for almost a month now, and I understand her hesitation to tell me anything, because according to Nate her last boyfriend left after he found out about her life, telling her that she had too much baggage. I can wait, I know that I can, she’s worth it, I just wish that she would let me in, tell me all these things about her that the guys in her band know but no one else does.

“I want you to meet my family.” She doesn’t mention that her dad isn’t part of that picture, but I didn’t really expect her to, this is a huge step for her, just asking me to meet her family, and I nod my head, smiling, untangling my fingers from hers and wrapping my arms around her shoulders. Laughing softly, she rests her forehead on my chest, wrapping her arms around my torso, and this is what I love about us, she doesn’t need to have her lips on mine all the time, she’s fine with any sort of attention, and she loves hugs, she gives the best hugs ever.

Three days ago, she was on stage, singing, with Every Anchor, it was awesome, seeing her do what she loves, it was the second time that I got to stand side stage when she was playing, and she always finds time to see some of my set, I hate how busy I am. Hunter never schedules her day so that she rarely has any free time; he knows that she likes to be around the music, she likes to watch the people in the crowd react to the bands that she’s friends with, and that she listens to, that she idolizes. It’s fun to see her on stage, to see her eyes glaze over with water when she sings “If I Never Wake Again,” she’s vulnerable when she’s on stage, and she’s finally becoming vulnerable when she’s with me.

When we all went out for lunch, at a nearby Chipotle yesterday, and it was the guys in OMAM and the guys in Every Anchor, along with Asia, Tatum, and Blaze, who was attached at Alan’s hip, the two of them are in their extreme honeymoon stage, and Devon says she’s too scared to tell Blaze that eventually that’s going to wear off. We never really had that, we were just in a relationship from the beginning, and that makes it so much better, we’re not going to just crash when that honeymoon stage is over.

Anyway, she didn’t pay for her food, Nate did, and she fought with him in whispered arguments, the two of them, and he said something that looked harsh, because her nose wrinkled and she leaned her upper body backwards, away from him, and crossed her arms over her chest, turning to face the cashier, forcing a smile. It’s little things like that, those things that she thinks I don’t see or don’t notice, that I do, and it just makes her more interesting, I want to learn everything about her.

“Do you think your family will like me?” She looks up at me, knitting her eyebrows together, nodding her head, wrinkling her nose, and she opens her mouth to say something, only to shut it seconds later. “What does that mean?” With every other girlfriend I had, I never met their parents this early in the relationship, or I already knew her parents, but her family is important to her, I can see it in her eyes when she mentioned them.

Biting down on her lower lip, she smiles faintly, I can see the corners of her lips curling upward, and she shrugs her shoulders. “I like you. They’ll like you, too.”