[AustinCarlile] Live Forever

[AustinCarlile] Live Forever [TheEnd]

How he told me about all of this, about raising money behind my back, with the help of the guys who are like my family, who never told me to begin with like they knew they should have, isn't right, because here I am, crying on video, something that I never do, something that I hate letting people see, and I don’t like it, I don’t appreciate it. But, I can’t freak out on him now, not with cameras surrounding us, not with a microphone shoved in our faces, I don’t want to cause a scene, and I don’t want people to see the scene I'm going to cause when no one is around.

Combing my fingers through my hair, I bite down on my lower lip, pain shooting through it, sending signals to my brain, begging my jaw to loosen and my teeth to release my lip from their grasp, but I don’t care, because I’d rather draw blood than choke out a sob. “I hate you,” I whisper, my words muffled by his shirt, but I know that he hears me, and he sighs, his chest rising and falling, my head moving with it, and he knows that I don’t mean it, that I don’t really hate him, that I only hate him right now.

“Hey, he’s going to get better with this money. You know that, right?” Looking up at him, I feel my lower lip quiver, I inwardly groan, this isn't what I want, I don’t like crying, crying makes me look weak and the only time I ever cry these days is when it’s about my brother and I didn’t want to cry today because today is already a sad day, leaving everyone. He rests his hand on my cheek, cupping it with his palm, and he leans his forehead against mine, slouching his shoulders forward and looking into my eyes with his gorgeous brown ones. It’s so had to stay mad at him. “I love you. And because I love you, I'm going to do anything I can to help you. Get over it.”

Shrugging my shoulders, I inhale the fresh air through my nose slowly, dragging it out, elongating the process, and I nod my head once, hearing what he said, listening to what he said, and as much as I hate to accept the help of others, I can’t say no to what he just told me, I can’t pretend that what he said sounds horrible, because it doesn’t, not at all.

They played Wii for about an hour; it was probably the one thing that other guys lacked the ability to do, to act as if my brother has no handicap whatsoever, besides the guys in the band, the ones who knew him before everything happened and the ones who will know him until they die. “You didn’t have to do this. You really shouldn’t have done this. At least, you shouldn’t have told me with cameras around.”

“I want people to know that my girlfriend has a heart and has emotions.” I know exactly what he’s talking about and I don’t laugh like he anticipated, partly because I didn’t think it was funny and partly because I wonder what would have happened to me if his heart did fail. A new wave of tears fill my eyes and I groan, covering my face with my hands, causing him to laugh, the laugh that sends shivers down my spine and makes my stomach take off in summersaults.

Rolling my eyes, I shake my head, removing my hands from my face and shoving them into the pockets of my jeans, knowing that he meant well, he meant really well, his intentions were gold, but I don’t know how I'm going to accept the money, the money from people I don’t know and the money from the people I do know. “Just because I said one semi-heartless thing to someone who was being mean to me, it’s like I'm the fucking devil.” He’s never going to let me live that down, the kid shouldn’t have held a cigarette so close to the gate, and he most definitely shouldn’t have sprinkled his ashes all over my shoes and blow the smoke in my face.

It wasn’t my fault that I went off on the kid, it wasn’t a good time, bills had to be paid and I was hormonal, it got out of hand and people started telling people about it and eventually the story that came back to me was that I spit on him. Spitting is gross, it’s not ladylike, it’s rude, I would never do something like that, to anyone, and it’s pathetic to even think that spitting on another human being is okay. “Can we continue with this interview?”