[AustinCarlile] Live Forever

[AustinCarlile] Live Forever [ChapterSeven]

Author's Note:

This is a filler. Well, it shows how she's thinking. What's going on behind the scenes of Austin and Devon. Um, yeah. I don't know. OH, well, two things. One, I know, I have to update for the Vic story. I'm trying. I really am. I have like five hundred words but then I don't know what to say. So I'm working on that, I promise. Two, there's a one shot on my account. Read it. I know, it's Twilight. Well, it's about Paul. I want to know if I should make it a story. I don't know. I was going through my stuff on Quizilla and I found it and was like, "I loved writing this," so I uploaded it on here. Uh, yeah, that's about it. Comment!

Touring is the best thing in the world, such a gift, a blessing, seeing the world, meeting new people, getting away, new scenery, different experiences, more knowledge, such an appreciation for everyone - at least in my mind, touring is the greatest thing in the world. The best part about touring, the part of it that keeps me going, makes me wake up in the morning, makes me smile when I don't want to, makes me the memories I never want to forget, is that I get to tour with my best friends, my family, well my extended family, and we grow closer, it brings us together, helps us celebrate each other.

"Well, are you going to tell me why the two of you were holding hands?" Her voice breaks me from my thoughts, causes me to look up from the laptop on the table, the screen filled with questions that people sent me, my tumblr made public, but the anonymous button disabled so I can answer privately, using it for the same reason my followers do - to look at all the pretty pictures and gifs of my pretty friends and the pretty guys I want to know.

"I thought that you were going to hone in on your acting skills and pretend you didn't see that?" It was late, dark out, the only source of light coming from inside the bus, most of the guys asleep, Tatum sitting across from me, in the other booth, glancing up from the screen of her cell phone, her fingers no longer typing cute text messages to Matt. Shaking her head, Tatum rolls her eyes, I know what she means by that, that I'm ridiculous to even ask the question, that I'm only digging a hole for myself by dodging it, she knows me too well, better than Blaze, better than a lot of people, but she likes to hear things from me, likes to hear me admit it. "She, wait, how did you convince Matt to let you travel to Denver with us?"

I'm not changing the subject, I know that I have to tell the two of them, who will eventually tell the guys, who will eventually tell my mom and brother, a chain reaction, everyone knows everything, but it works the same way if Liam or TJ or anyone else in the tightknit, private family were to say something. “I told him that it was a female emergency. At first he thought that you had your period, but then I reminded him that I wouldn’t want to be near you.” Sarcasm drips from her words, her specialty, something that most people don’t understand, but knowing her for so long, it’s simple to depict what is real and what isn’t.

Rolling my eyes, I cross my arms over my chest, leaning my back against the cushion of the booth, knowing that it’s true, that she hates when it’s that time of the month, that I'm difficult to handle. “I was sitting on the field, remember the field, next to the buses, where no one was? Well, I was just sitting there and he walked by, and stopped to thank me for letting them stand side stage. It was awkward and I didn’t like having to look up at him, it just seemed odd. So I told him that he could sit down.

“After talking for a while, he lied down and told me to lie down with him, so I did. And then we heard that girl, I guess her name is Kelli, talking to her boyfriend who didn’t seem happy to meet us. I don’t know. She assumed that we were together and he just went along with it. Then when the two of us got the tweet, he was apologetic. I told him that people can think whatever they want to. So he asked if he could think whatever he wanted and I told him it depended on what he thought – not that I meant it, just to say something, you know? After I got the call from Ant, he told me that he didn’t want a reason to deny it.” Lifting my shoulders, as if what happened wasn’t all that eventful, my eyes fall back onto the laptop screen in front of me, seeing that someone had taken a picture of the two tweet conversation between that girl Kelli and I, everyone who left comments discussing on why I didn’t mention the couple comment.

Lowering my head, I sigh, running a hand through my hair, knowing, realizing, that the two of them had already seen that, having their own Tumblrs, addicted, loving to know what people are talking about – Tatum more for publicity for All Time Low and Blaze more out of curiosity and the pictures of all the handsome band guys. “So, are you two going out?” Confusion is laced in Tatum’s voice, not really understanding what had happened, but I didn’t either, and I was there.

“She would have told us. If he had asked her out, there was no way that she would be able to keep her excitement contained.” Blaze counters, causing Tatum to nod her head, smiling softly, the two of them thriving off of the fact that I have had the biggest celebrity crush on Austin for years. “Besides, she looks too confused.” The two of them turn their heads to look at me, to inspect my facial expression, and I shrink back in my seat, my cheeks turning red, hating the attention, not liking how they're looking at me.

Rolling my eyes, I shrug my shoulders, pulling my knees up to my chest, my feet resting on the contour of the booth, my shins pressed against the edge of the table, yet I'm comfortable. “He doesn’t like me. And that’s fine. Besides, I’d rather have him as a friend. His female fans would probably wring my neck if I was with him like that. Like, think about it. I’d be killed. Too many people want him. And you’ve seen the girls he’s been with. I'm nothing compared to them. I don’t have a chance so there’s no reason to discuss it anymore.”

It’s more out of self-pity, out of annoyance with myself, that I snap, that I stop them, that I caused the two of them to exchange worried glances, but they nod their head, the two of them conversing about something, something that I don’t care enough to determine what it is. It’s true, all of it, that I'm not good enough for him – my appearance, my confidence level, what I've accomplished, who I am, what I’ve been, everything. Not to mention, the things that these girls would say is disgusting, so horrifying, that it makes me wonder if they're even capable of humanity, capable of understanding the power of their words, because I've heard their words towards girlfriends, I've seen their words towards girlfriends, I've watched it happen to Tatum and I'm not as strong as her – I'm nowhere near as strong as her, every word directed towards me sticks, and they hurt.

I'm not ready for that. I'm not ready to let my life be run by fans. I'm not ready to give up my secrecy. I'm not ready to tell him that I like him. I'm not ready to see where life is going to take me.

I'm terrified.