[AustinCarlile] Live Forever

[AustinCarlile] Live Forever [ChapterTwelve]

Author's Note:

It's short, I know, but I had to post something and I'm having trouble transitioning into the relationship so stay with me.

“You’re really pretty.” A voice causes me to look up from the small poster resting on the table in front of me, the pen in my hand mid-signature, looking up to see a guy, at most nineteen years old, with a blush warming his cheeks. Laughing softly, I smile up at him, shrugging my shoulders, not knowing if he wanted me to hear the comment, but I did, and it was sweet, it was unexpected, it was amusing. His blonde hair was long, though not extremely long, just below his chin, in a somewhat face frame style, and his brown eyes were wide with embarrassment.

Biting down on my lower lip, I downcast my eyes back to the poster of the five of us – Liam and Nate off to the right, Ant and TJ off to the left, and me in the middle, I didn’t like this one, it was too posed, too stiff, none of us were having fun at this photo shoot like we normally have, there was no goofing off allowed. "If you say so." It's not what he expected to hear, I'm sure of it, because he nods his head, knitting his eyebrows together in confusion to my reply, anticipating something else, most likely a thank you, but I can't find it within myself to address my appearance right now, knowing that's all Austin really likes about me.

Biting down on his lower lip, slowly stepping to the side, his body now facing Anthony's, he sighs softly, running a hand through his hair, only causing Anthony to glance at me from the corner of his eye, not hearing what the kid said, unsure of what's going on and why he's being ignored. "I'm sure that a lot of people say so."  I don’t understand the need to continue on with this, why he’s trying so hard to get his point across, yet at the same time I appreciate it, it makes me feel better about myself, even if it’s the side of me that doesn’t make someone fall in love with me.

“Not really, actually, I don’t think anyone besides the guys and my mother have called me pretty in a long time. So, thank you.” Forcing a smile to tug at my lips, I inwardly sigh, I hate those compliments, I can never take one, I can believe them, I can tell myself that I'm pretty, but it will never give me the hope that I’ll find that one person.

It’s not that I don’t think I'm pretty, I know I'm pretty, at times, more often not than I am, but I still feel pretty at times, I know I can be pretty, I'm capable of it, everyone is, though I don’t understand why someone would simply find me attractive, why someone would lust after me, it doesn’t make sense. I know that he doesn’t know anything about me, I know all the things that he could know about me, that he would learn from interviews, that he would assume happened to be through my lyrics, but he knows nothing about me, and he continues to chase after me – I'm not a notch in anyone’s bedpost. I’ve been that girl, the girl who was played, the girl who was left vulnerable in the end, I don’t want to be that girl, not again, not with him, I wouldn’t be able to get over that.

The kid doesn’t say anything else, he doesn’t tell me that I should hear it more often, he doesn’t simply tell me that he understands, he doesn’t do anything, there’s nothing that he says that would change my outlook either. There are things that I want to hear at signings, things that I done, and things that I simply just smile at as a response, but I couldn’t put that in the category of just smiling, no matter how hard I tried. People say that I'm the female Mike Hranica, never that friendly, but always willing to meet people, that we like to hear certain things and when we don’t we simply walk away from the situation. The two of us like to joke about that, the fact that people think we’re practically the same person, because we’re not, I try to be outgoing, I'm always trying, but it’s hard to be outgoing in every situation.

“Are you dating Austin?” A girl’s voice startles me, causing me to sigh, another question that I don’t want to hear, that I don’t want to answer, that I'm done being asked, this is the sixteenth time today that I’ve been asked this, I hate it. I don’t want to be known as the girl who is dating Austin Carlile, especially since I'm not dating him; I'm my own person, with my own experiences, with my own music, with my own stories, with my own fans. Shaking my head, I groan quietly as Nate punches my leg, this deranged way of telling me to be nice, that this isn’t the place to get angry with people, that I know how to push feelings aside and simply put on a happy façade.

Biting down on my lower lip, I shrug my shoulders, sliding her poster over to Anthony, watching as her eyes grow wide and her lips curve down in a frown. “I think you deserve a guy who would give you the world. You're my inspiration.” I don’t know if that’s her telling me that she doesn’t think he’s right for me, if that’s her telling me that she thinks I deserve the best out there, or if that’s her telling me that she wants to live vicariously through my relationships, but either way it’s sweet of her.

&&.

Bringing the bottle of beer up to my lips, I take a sip, lifting the end of the bottle in the air slightly, swallowing the warm liquid, not really caring for the temperature of it, but enjoying it nonetheless. “I feel like we haven’t talked in years.” We’re sitting, on the small fold out chairs that are lining the parking lot, the normal routine for the Warped barbeque, it’s nice, we all get together and have fun, not worrying about how the interview went or how horrible the photo shoot went hours earlier. “I miss touring with you guys.”

Josh was an entertaining person to be around, the things that he says, the way he perceives information, the way he carries himself, it’s amusing, fun to be around, though he’s not always the nicest person, he never really cares what others think, and it leaves him in these situations that he can’t get himself out of. I remember the late nights on the tour buses, the two of us would just talk about everything and anything, and that’s all it was, a mutual friendship in which we needed each other to vent to, to get advice from, to simply share things with. “We’re touring together now. Besides, I want to hear about this relationship of yours.”

Wrinkling my nose, I knit my eyebrows together, shaking my head as I sigh, my shoulders sinking, and I place the bottom of my bottle atop my thigh, holding onto it as it rests there. “There’s no relationship.” He’s looking at me carefully, knowing that I'm going to continue whatever rant my mind is going to create, but he knows me better than that, he knows about my crush on Austin, he asked because he knows it’s affecting me in a negative way. “We don’t know each other. He doesn’t know me. I don’t know him. He doesn’t care, Josh. It’s lust, and I'm not even pretty, so it makes no sense.” I sound crazy, I always sound this way when the two of us talk.

“You're beautiful, peasant.” Smirking, he nudges me with his elbow, hitting it against my arm, causing me to frown as he laughs at the pain he inflicted. “Besides, he’s a stupid cunt if he doesn’t want to get to know you.” He stops talking, I know that he wants to say more, that words are on the tip of his tongue, but he doesn’t continue, instead he looks up, his eyes meeting someone’s and I look at Josh with a raised eyebrow, confused. “It looks like he wants to get to know you now.”

Rolling my eyes, I take a large gulp of the lukewarm beer, sighing softly. “Are you on crack cocaine?”