After (Jikook version)

Chapter 60

When I wake up, it takes me a moment to remember that I am not in bed with Jungkook. The sun is peacefully shining through the bay window and as I look over, I catch sight of a figure and sit up quickly, orienting myself. As my eyes adjust I am convinced that I am going mad.

"Jungkook?" I say quietly and wipe my eyes.

"Hey," he says from where he sits in a wing back chair, his elbows on his knees.

"What the hell are you doing here?" I snap. My heart aches already.

"Jimin, we need to talk," he says, the bags under his eyes prominent.

"Have you just been watching me sleep?" I ask.

"No, of course not. I came in here a few minutes ago," he says. I wonder if he had nightmares without me in bed with him. If I hadn't witnessed them myself, I would think those were part of his games as well, but I remember holding his sweaty face between my hands and seeing the real fear in his green eyes.

I stay silent. I don't want to fight with him. I just want him to go away. I hate that I don't actually want him to go away but know that he has to.

"We need to talk," he repeats. When I shake my head no, he runs both hands through his hair and takes a deep breath.

"I have to go to class," I tell him.

"Jin already left. I turned your alarm off. It's eleven already."

"You what!"

"You were up late and I thought you-" he begins.

"How dare you even . . . Just go." The pain from his actions yesterday is still fresh, and actually overshadows the anger I feel at missing my morning classes, but I can't show any weakness or he will pounce on it. He always does.

"You're in my room," Jungkook points out.

I climb out of the bed, not caring if I am only in a T-shirt, his T-shirt. "You're right. I'll go," I say, the lump in my throat growing and tears threatening to spill out.

"No, I meant . . . I meant: you are in my room . . . Why?" His voice is bleak.

"I don't know . . . I just . . . I couldn't sleep . . ." I admit. I need to stop talking. "It's not really your room anyway. I've slept here just as many times as you have. Actually more now," I point out.

"Your own shirt didn't fit?" he asks, his eyes focused on the white shirt. Of course he is making fun of me.

"Go ahead, tease me," I say, the tears pooling at the bottom of my eyes. He makes eye contact with me but I look away.

"I wasn't teasing you." He stands up from the chair and takes a step toward me. I back away and raise my hands to block him and he stops. "Just hear me out, okay?"

"What else could you possibly have to say, Jungkook? We always do this. We have the same fight over and over, only worse each time. I can't do it anymore. I can't."

"I said I was sorry for kissing her," he says.

"That isn't what this is about. Well, that's part of it, but there is so much more. The fact that you don't get that proves that we are wasting our time. You will never be who I need you to be, and I am not who you want me to be." I wipe my eyes as he looks out the window.

"But you are who I want you to be," he says.

I wish I could believe him. I wish he wasn't so incapable of feelings.

"You're not," is all I can say. I didn't want to cry in front of him, but I can't seem to stop myself. I have cried so many times since I met him, and if I get tangled back into his web, this is how it will always be.