Ruha

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

"We are the captains of our own soul, we're the masters of our own fate." Aiyla

She woke up to her nightmares knowing fully well that's all the sleep she would get for the night. Groaning, she stood up, performed ablution and prayed before going downstairs. It is 2am and the house is dead silent. She got a snack and walked out the French doors to the cliff where she spends most of her days. She had a therapist appointment in the morning and she was not looking forward to it.

Threads of light lingered in the sky as they mingled with the rolling clouds, each telling a different story that has ended. They held the secrets of the nation, the secrets of the world and the lonely duo who sat down beside each other.

"Na'im." she whispered looking at him. His beanie was housing his curly, untamed hair and he looked hotter this night. White sweats, T-shirt, hoodie and beanie. He looked like the sun.

"Yeah?"

"Why are you an insomniac?" She asked curious, she knew almost nothing about Na'im, nothing about his parents even.

"We all have demons in our closet Ruha, sometimes it scars us beyond repair." He whispered. He avoided her gaze through out, he is no longer relaxed but stiff, his voice cold, not the usual one he used with her and Ruha knew she had struck a nerve. She shouldn't have asked.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked, its not my business."

"Ruha, its not like that, it's just, tonight I don't wanna talk about it, I just wanna live in the fake reality that my life is all rainbows and candies Ruha." He whispered. Ruha knew that tone well, she used it all the time. It's the tone that someone drowning and not knowing what to do to swim back up uses. Its the tone she uses.

"Okay."

The silence was awkward. Ruha, not knowing what to say or do to undo the damage she had caused and Na'im lost in the memories.

"I met someone today yesterday, she was like an angel sent to me, she told me to take it one day at a time and one day when I look back at the past, the pain will still be there but it won't hurt as much as it is doing now and I guess she helped."

Na'im shrugged. "Sounds like a wise person."

Ruha nodded. "She is, she's a writer after all, quotes, inspirational words and characters are all they talk about."

"Yeah, in high school, I had this creative writing teacher that gave us this project. In a sentence, write an inspirational quote to someone who lost her whole family right in front of her, her ability to see, to walk and to move."

"And what did you say?"

"I said and I quote right now, " I don't have the right to tell you to move on and it's gonna be okay when I don't understand half of what you are going through. What I'm going to tell you is Allah always has a reason for doing things but you might not see it. Someday, sometime you are gonna see it and you will smile. Pain after all makes you stronger." Unquote"

Ruha was stunned for the second time, maybe her pain will one day fade away and be just a reminder, something she'll look back at and smile and say she did it.

Na'im and Ruha spoke till dawn when they separated.

*

Dr Mu'az Farsi and her were having their second meeting again. She dreaded the hour span she'll spend with him trying to heal herself.

"Today Ruha, we are gonna go a little personal, deeper into your childhood. Tell me about your parents."

Ruha was silent, tears already in her eyes, her weakest point. "Mum and dad were amazing. Dad was the cool supportive parent, taking us out on surprise dinner dates, drives around town or just random stuff. Mom was the backbone of the family. She's the definition of strength you know, she knew what pain was but didn't let it define her. She had this serene smile on her face always. She hardly frowned or raised her voice. Mum and Dad were the perfect couple. Dad was a doctor, spending night shifts a few times. He had already specialized in Cardiovascular surgery so he was hardly ever in the country. Always never around but he still was part of my childhood. Mum was an architect and interior designer. She mostly worked from home until it's extremely important for her to go to work because I was a sick kid, I had a hole in my heart."

"Is it still there?" The doctor asked.

Ruha shook her head "Dad did the surgery for me when I was nine, that's when perfection became imperfection, that's when everything went downhill."

She didn't say anymore and he didn't push her.

"That will be all for now Ruha. We'll see in the next few days. Is that okay with you?"

"Yes. Very much okay." Ruha answered back

Dr. Muaz left and she went to her room to cry. Memories flooded her mind. She wanted to tear her heart open to relieve the pain. She did the only thing that could be done. She performed ablution and prayed two units of Salaah. She cried her heart out to her Lord

"Ya Muqallibal Quloob. Thabbit Qalbi Alaa Deenik (O Turner of hearts, Turn my heart towards your religion)" This dua' she kept repeating, asking her Lord to keep her on the Straight Path and not burden her soul with more than it could bear. She finished and felt much relief

For the first time in a while, Ruha had a peaceful night's rest