Vent

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  Darkness, all I could see was darkness, before you entered my life. I don't think there was ever a time in my life before I met you that I truly thought that I could be anything but engulfed in darkness. Deserving better was a thing that never crossed my mind. I always settled, because I never thought that I could have anyone good.
  Everything I ever touched was tainted, flawed, corrupted. I broke the people who loved me. I turned desperate to feel as if someone could love me. I latched onto you. And you accepted my insecurities. You told me that I could have anything I wanted. You taught me to fight for the things I deserved. You made me believe that I did, indeed, could have something better.
  Everything that I know about happiness, I learned from you. Maybe that's why I couldn't see that you weren't what I needed. You weren't the best person out there for me. I was blinded by your light. It was too bright for me. My eyes couldn't see past it. I couldn't see you. All I saw was your light. By the time I could see you, you had already left.
  You were like a star, suddenly there, and suddenly gone. The light I saw from you was a million years old and just now reaching me. So when the light vanished, you had already been gone years ago. The love you had given me was fake. The happiness I had gotten from you though, was real. But you had already left me for your new love.
  Now I'm stuck here, looking like a fool and wondering what it was that I did wrong. With no way of finding out the answer. Am I doomed to be swallowed by the darkness again? Forced to be someone's puppet? Played like a fiddle? What exactly was I to you?
  All I'm left with... are questions. Why couldn't you have faced me like a real person? Why couldn't you have had the common decency of a human and treated me as an equal? Did I mean that little to you all along? Was I just a game? Am I still just something meant to be played with? No longer a person with a name?
  Am I back to hating myself every time I open my eyes? Is there a way out of this insufferable cycle of despair? What kind of person puts someone through all of this? Or am I just too weak? Is that why no one even bothers with me? Because they know that if they leave, I'll be broken?
  How can I fix myself? Can someone fix me? Even when, even since, neither of us know what's wrong? I'm frozen in time. Stuck on a chapter in my life that I should've skipped altogether. I can't eat. I can barely sleep. Is this how it feels? To be heartbroken beyond repair?
  Is it possible to get up and walk away? If I manage, I won't be unscathed. I'll probably never love again. I'll never be able to have desires. I'll be exactly like I was before you came in and destroyed my peaceful life. In darkness.
  Sweet ignorance. Surrounded by silence. Comfortable in the shadows. Alone. Without worry of being replaced or forgotten. Without worry of hurting someone else. Without worry of you. Of seeing you. Of feeling. Happy, or sad. Hopeful, or despair. Of anything. Just nothing.
  I want to sink into that nothingness. Just to be safe. Just to feel protected.




















~Vent End~

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