Breaking the Void

Chapter 13 - Hope

(Your POV):
Peter,
I don't even know where to start anymore, but I needed to write this - to apologize for everything that I have done. I never meant to hurt you and I will do whatever you ask of me to right what I did. But you were correct, I was not telling you the full truth. I wanted to, believe me, but I have never actually told anyone about it before. But I may as well lay it all to bare now. I don't know if you remember, but there was one day last year when you found a bruise on my arm and you knew immediately it was from my parents. I argued with you, told you that you were making things up because you wanted me to be a damsel in distress. I am no damsel in distress, I can assure you of that, but you were right. My parents have always found beatings to be the most effective way to teach me a lesson - whether or not I realize what that lesson is supposed to be.

I do not tell you this for your pity, I do not want you to feel sorry for me. I just want you to understand why I did what I did. If I had said no to my parents that day, then I would have had to do it the next, after receiving a harsh beating to learn my lesson. I am not afraid of them or the pain, but I knew that refusing them would be useless. Peter, I never wanted to do it, I can assure you, but I do what is necessary to survive. And I was not lying when I told you that I didn't sleep with him. I kissed him, yes, but I never did more than that. I drugged him and delivered the message to his father like I had been instructed. I never felt anything for him, not like I do with you.

You are the only person that I have ever cared for and I continue to care even though you shut me out. I know that what I did was wrong and I am willing to work to regain your trust, whatever it takes. Peter, please just give me a second chance. I know I am selfish and foolish and a million other terrible things, but you change me. I have never experienced someone truly caring about me before, this is a learning experience to me and now I fear that I have lost you. Please give me a second chance, please.

The trash beside me was piled full of discarded letters like the one before me, some having only a few words written before I had given up and thrown it out. I could not put into words all I wanted to tell him, but I needed to at least try. I was not happy with my final draft but, like every essay I had ever written, it would have to be good enough. If I was going to go through with giving him a letter, then I had to give him this one before I lost my nerve.

Knowing that I couldn't wait until tomorrow to deliver it, I slipped out of my window, which seemed to be becoming a habit for me. Peter wasn't in his room when I arrived, which I was relieved by as it meant he wouldn't be able to just send me away. I left the letter on his bed and looked up at his side table where a picture of the two of us had once sat. The photo was gone, frame and all, bringing tears back to my eyes.

I used to be able to mask my emotions with no problem but since Peter came into my life it seemed that I was crying every day. Not just because of him, of course. I cried because of Harry and even some of my victims. Peter turned me soft, taught me how to feel and now my life had been turned into a living hell.

"(Y/N), what are you doing in my room?!" Peter's voice surprised me, my mind having been lost in thought as I stared at the empty spot on the table.

"I, um, I was just leaving you this," I stuttered, reaching over to grab the letter I had left for him and refusing to meet his eyes. "I don't really know why I wrote it, but I guess I just wanted to- to explain things, I guess? And apologize. Here, I should- I should probably get going."

"You're not going to stay to see if I am even going to read it?" He asked as I darted to the window, desperate to get out of this uncomfortable situation.

I lifted my gaze to meet his eyes and found that they were as red and puffy as my own. "Are you ok with me staying until you've read it? You just seem to want to get rid of me, that's all."

"The letter looks short enough," he muttered, taking it out of the envelope so that he could read it. Not knowing what else to do, I stood in the corner of his room and stuffed my hands in my pockets. As I watched his eyes run over the words I had written less than an hour ago, my leg began to shake and I tried to interpret the reactions passing over his face.

He finally put the letter down and sat on his bed, burying his head in his hands. Disliking the tense silence that fell over us, I sat down beside him and placed my hand on his shoulder. "I really am sorry, you know."

"Because you realize what you did was wrong or because you received consequences for it?" He asked, the pain inside my chest intensifying. I hadn't even known that I could be in so much pain without actually having received any sort of physical injury.

"I-I hadn't really thought about the morality of what I was doing before, it was just something that I was asked to do for my parents. I choose not to think too much about the things they request of me, if I do I'm afraid I will lose the courage to do it," I confessed, nervously playing with my fingers to distract myself as I spilled my heart to him.

I noticed his arm moving towards me in my peripheral and instinctively shrunk back, waiting for him to hit me. When no impact came, I raised a shaking head to meet his gaze which I was surprised to find carried a softened look.

"Sorry, I just meant to give you back the letter," he explained his actions, slowly placing it on his lap. "Is this why you are always so jumpy?"

I paused, wondering if I had gone too far. But if I was being truthful to him, then I might as well continue, "I-I'm not always this tense. I'm not normally on my guard with you." I didn't break eye contact with him as I spoke, my voice shaking slightly.

Peter leaned towards me and my chest began to flutter despite the still present ache. But before his lips could touch mine he pulled back, "I believe you, but I'm not sure I can do this. I need more time (Y/N), I'm sorry."

"No, don't be," I tried to smile despite the pain. "I honestly didn't expect anything more than that. But if you are willing to try again, I will be here waiting for you, always."

I brought my lips to his cheek and managed to keep the tears from spilling over until I was out on his fire escape. But at least now there was hope, even if it was just a small amount.

-

(A/N): I'm trying to get my dad into Agent Carter because that show was just the best and even though he claims he doesn't like Marvel (I think he actually does but doesn't want to admit it), it's his type of show but I'm not sure he really likes it so now I'm kinda sad. But at least my sister and I have a good excuse to rewatch the series! Anyway, I hope that you enjoyed this chapter and Peter easing up a little on you!