1/8/2020
Been in a daze all day and been trying to cover it up with hyperness that I confused with happiness.
Once my energy ran out, I've crashed so hard.
Why does everything hurt right now?
Why do I feel so fucking alone?
Why is my chest tight and my throat closing?
Why can't I feel happiness?
I'm so numb right now, yet somehow I feel everything.
Why am I so unhappy?
I'm slowly distancing myself from everything and everyone.
If I can keep this mask long enough, maybe everyone will believe me.
Maybe if I keep this mask, I can believe myself.
I just want to get up, and run away.
Take the bus for who knows how long and just end up somewhere that isn't here.
Start new.
Be new.
Everything in my life is hurting me right now, and I'm tired of feeling so helpless.
I think I'm going crazy.
I just wish I wasn't me.
I wish I was different.
I wish I was prettier.
I wish I had people that actually care.
I wish I felt loved.
I wish that I didn't feel so tied down.
I wish my life wasn't mine.
Sometimes, I wish I could just sleep forever.
Sleeping, and staying in dreams seems so much better than my own mind that seems like a hell.
I can't learn to love me right now, in the slightest bit, if i can't find ways to stop hurting myself.
I don't know anything anymore, and I don't think I ever did.
