Now this is where this is going to start getting interesting.
For this is a spontaneous piece. This was not planned, this was not written up before, I am currently typing this using a voice to text style on my keyboard.
I have generally found out that I tend to talk a lot, and do you know why sometimes I feel like that is the best way to let a lot of things out.
I don't care for the typos, I don't care if maybe it doesn't make sense what I'm saying, I just want a lot off my chest because tonight it's been more of a turning point rather than a breaking point. Or at least that's how I want to look at it.
Let's see how do I start this off. There's a good chance that this piece is not going to have many breaks in the paragraphs or proper punctuation simply because I am talking in my phone it's just recording it and type it into words. There's a lot on my mind tonight good and bad and I know I've been uploading a lot tonight simply because I have a lot to ruin my phone I have notebooks that are in my room that just have so much in a man I wish I could just show the world everything that I am for him but you know sometimes it's best to keep certain things to myself.
I want to start this rant by talking about maybe they're not so good part of what's in my mind tonight.
The past year and a half has been extremely difficult for me simply because I have gone through a lot in that time. And a lot of people wouldn't think that I have. I have uploaded separate stories another pieces on here that do openly talk about what I have felt and what I have gone through you know these past couple years and it is hard to look back on. It is really hard to sit back and except that this life isn't just some story that I read this in a news article isnot my friend talk, this life is mine and I have to except that I have to learn.
I have made many mistakes in my life and most to have a nap to them, despite me having valid reasons for maybe making those mistakes. I own up to those now and I own up to the fact I am not perfect and I have hurt people I've hurt myself or have done things that I know I shouldn't have. Last year I did go off the rails and I did a lot of stuff I shouldn't have. I did drugs I smoke I drink I hooked up with a couple of people I know I shouldn't have, because I wanted to feel something that made me feel valued that made me feel something. I thought that maybe if I can if I can keep doing these things but I would have meaning to my phone got me intoxicated just to treat me like shit and that was probably one of the worst feelings in the world because I felt like nothing at times I sit back and I think of how much I regret it.
Those people didn't deserve me they didn't deserve my body I didn't deserve to get to know me that the way that I love them but I felt so vulnerable last year was almost like I was asking for a death wish I just stayed so reckless with myself and with everyone around me because I thought that I just wanted to feel something different than all the pain and suffering that I felt from keeping myself bottled the way closed.
I'm going to be really honest right now, I really wish I didn't do those dates those people I wish you guys a couple people that I do, I tried doing that as a form of cleaning my sexuality back after my ex-boyfriend messed me up mentally and physically and emotionally. I felt like if I was able to go out and clean my sexuality back that I would be OK with or feel stronger but that made me feel worse, because I felt like her she's nice for that and that was true. It hurts me because I put myself in situations that I shouldn't now.
I stopped being reckless around the end of last year. I stopped with the drinking and drugs and smoking that cooking up with a guy but didn't deserve it, I stopped that around September 2019 and I'm happy I did because despite me still having this anxiety and depression now, at least I'm not hurting myself the way I did before.
I started surrounding myself with better people and I'm starting to make a life for myself that's for the better digging myself out of that hole that I fell in. It's still hard times to know not want to be reckless and harmful towards myself, but I have to be stronger than that. I have to learn to overcome his problems so I don't end up bad or worse than I was before. I don't want that for myself it was really bad, and I really don't wanna make myself suffer more than I have to and this life. I suffer too much for being this young, I have seen things that no girl should have to deal with. I'm just thankful that I choose to stay life and fight the big breathing till tonight I'm happy that you're still here but I'm planning on waking up tomorrow making the best of it. But I'm still here trying to fight every day no matter how her years, because I want to make a life for myself it's gonna be worth living.
