it's 12:24 Am
And let me be honest? im buzzed as hell but i haven't felt this way in a while.
my anxiety has been so out of place, just these past couple days as this whole virus is going around and this whole quarantine is going around.
i can't take it.
fuck just take it all away please.
i feel so out of place at times in this place im supposed to call home, i feel lonely.
having to stay home, it's gonna drive me crazy.
i just want my boyfriend, i just want my best friend.
I just want to go on my drives, and drink my favorite coffeee from my favorite coffee shop.
I want to go on the trips I was supposed to go on.
i want to start the job i was supposed to before this all happened.
Now im stuck, and i am trying my best to not think of the negative things.
sometimes i feel so hopeless.
I don't know what to do anymore to take away my pain.
My parents offered me to drink tonight, a couple shots later, and a couple beers later, and im buzzed.
Can I be honest?
I'm so happy with everything In my life, except myself.
Fuck my boyfriend probably will never love me because im this disgusting piece of shit.
I'm annoying I'm ugly im fat im too nerdy im just me and he is too good for me. I try my best to be the best for him. But I know one day I won't be what he wants. And I think the day he gets up and leaves me, im gonna die inside.
Fuck why am i crying.
I hate me
I hate me so much.
I hate who I am and how I look and my part.
Why can't I be someone else?
Sometimes i wish i didn't have to wake up.
Sometimes i wish i could just get up and leave without hurting those I care about.
Just become this memory that people can smile on instead of this mis present burden
I'm so tired of my past, im tired of me hurting myself, im tired of breathing at times.
Im trying so fucking hard.
I can keep trying.
But who knows how much longer ill have my sanity
