I am feeling lost in insecurities tonight.
I have been all day.
Just feeling, not worth much.
I look at myself, and my position in peoples lives, and realize im always temporary.
I'm never a for sure thing in anyways life.
I feel so ugly, so hidden.
So dark, I am only a shadow.
Can I be honest?
I am one of the most defensive, protective, and at times maybe even jealous person.
I know how to keep my thoughts on the low when it comes to these things because I know my thoughts can be irrational, so I tend to dismiss my own feelings to make everyone else's valid.
Today my 2 girl friends invited me to hang out.
I couldn't at first, because it was just me at home with a sister and I couldn't leave her alone.
When I told them I had to stay home SND could maybe hang out in a bit, they completely ignored my messages and didn't respond.
Then they were posting about them going out and looking nice for the heck of it and being all cute.
Honestly, that hurt me.
I thought I was apart of the group too.
It's not the first tike this has happened.
It just hurts because I thought i finally found friends that I could be with, but sometimes I feel like a third wheel when it's all three of us.
Can I be more honest?
This other girl, she's cute. She's small, she's funny, she's talented.
I look at her, and honestly, I feel kinda ugly.
Like if I could swap myself physically with anyone in the world, it would be her.
She's what I'd want to be.
Not myself.
One of the last times we hung out, my best friend did the other girls make up.
She was complimenting her so much and telling her how cool and pretty and cute she looked.
They were basically drooling over each other and i just sat there, feeling underdressed and ugly.
Wishing I had the cute round face that girl has.
Wishing I had her full eyebrows.
Wishing I had her long hair.
Wishing I had her cute little chipmunk smile.
Wishing I had her height.
Just wishing I wasn't me, and was like her.
I tried to not let that get to me, but the past times those 2 friends have hung out without me, they do pretty make up and give each other make overs and take pictures and everything.
I just feel left out, and feel like they have more fun together without me.
They seem better without me.
It doesn't help, that when I tried sending them a picture and asking for opinions, they both ignored me and then dismissed me.
We were okay before, what did I do wrong?
I'll be honest, just recently I've been having this big ol reclaim of sexuality. I no longer am letting my past define me. I don't want to sit back scared because of a man that didn't know how to treat me.
I've been taking my own pictures with my lingerie, taking lewd pictures, and videos.
I've been expressing my sexuality and I'm proud to feel I've found it again.
But it's also frustrating when I sit here and finally am coming to terms with myself, and it's all me.
Completely me.
Usually my girlfriends and I live swapping pictures and hyping eachother up.
But now, I no longer feel hyped up.
I feel they just don't care.
They dismiss me and my confidence.
Who else am I gonna send them to?
No one.
Because I can't just send those pictures to just anyone.
It made me feel ugly when they dismissed me.
I deleted a handful of pictures and videos i took.
I feel ugly.
I don't feel hot anymore, I don't feel attractive anymore, I don't feel desirable by anyone, I just feel disgusting.
I'll admit, at times I'm shallow.
I enjoy being complimented.
But it's funny, I enjoy them a lot for a person who almost never gets complimented.
Maybe that's why I like them so much, because I almost never get any, and hold onto them.
But it sucks, I'm never complimented in any way.
I'm tired of being told
'wow you're so cool'
'Wow I could never'
'You're different'
'You have guts'
Those Aren't real compliments to me.
Those are bullshit compliments from people who don't exactly have something nice to say, but still want to make an effort to be nice.
At this point, I fucking dream of myself because no one else will.
I'm the one that lays in my bed with a big T-shirt and cute little underwear, tracing my scars and stretch marks and trying to tell myself I'm beautiful.
I'm the one that runs my hands up my tummy and caresses all of me with love.
I'm the one that gives my bare bottom little taps when I put on my lace underwear just to flirt with myself.
I'm the one that takes pictures of me because no one else will.
I'm the one that writes poetry about how when I sit in the perfect lighting, my eyes look like deep pools of honey.
I'm the one that is making an effort to show love to me because I know what I deserve and what I want.
I wish others could be this way.
But I don't think any friends, any partner, any person I have come across, has ever looked me in the eyes, and has told me something meaningful, and actually mean it.
No person has looked me in the eyes, and had told me in beautiful and actually mean it.
No person has had a better compliment than some commentary on me being 'unique'.
No person has looked into my eyes, and said that I am a piece of art to them.
I have never felt priceless to anyone.
I'm not the girl that people admire when she walks by.
I'm not the girl that people get shy around because of beating beauty.
I'm not the girl that someone will look at and think I'm absolutely stunning.
I am nothing.
I have known this for a long time.
It's one thing to know it, and now it's another to realize it and accept it.
It hurts me, knowing I'm not the friend people want to take pictures with. I'm the one behind the camera.
I'm the one that walks behind the group.
I'm nothing special to anyone.
I'm just a shadow.
