anxiety is all I can feel sometimes.
Sadness takes over me often.
I talk to much, yet it never seems like it's going to be enough.
Me blurring the details of my life that others can't bear to listen to.
Sometimes I feel so alone in my life.
Can I admit to something that's bothering me?
I'm getting a bit bad again, and there's nothing I can do at times.
I sit here feeling fucking helpless.
My mind mocking my emotions, just laughing in my face as I drown in my tears.
Not too long ago, I crashed really hard.
I sat in my bed, all night, feeling so suffocated.
Tears stained my cheeks and my body shook. I sat there, tracing the scars only I notice all over my body. Tracing all my self inflicted scars, and just remembering what it was like.
How much pain I was in. How painful the healing processes always were.
Some are addicted to alcohol, to drugs, to sex.
My strongest addiction I've dealt with in my life was self inflicted harm.
It came in various forms.
And that night I sat there, looking at my clean body.
And cried so hard.
I just wanted to let go, i just wanted to give myself that pain.
I cried so hard.
I stood and paced my room at 4am, talking myself out of it.
At one point I even stood under the clothes rack in my room, and just thought, I wanted to die.
My brain went to a dark place that night.
Considering what would happen in i caved into these thoughts.
I cried even harder because I felt those years of progress almost become nothing.
I sat with an old razor i kept.
That razor I used when I was with my ex boyfriend, that razor inflicted pain on me not too long ago.
But fuck ive worked so hard to stay clean this long.
I havent self inflicted wounds on myself since the month of January 2019.
This is the longest ive stayed clean since 7th grade.
I just, since that night, i haven't felt 100%.
I feel myself in a pit.
My sleep is getting bad again.
Before I was going to bed around midnight and was up no later than 9:30am.
And recently, ive spent too many nights in a row, watching the moonlight turn to sunlight.
I'm fucking tired.
My head hurts, im losing my appetite, im dehydrated, my brain is racing all the time, and i have this tightness constantly in my chest.
I haven't been helping myself much either if I'm honest.
I'm not talking to anyone about what's really bothering me, what's buried in my chest.
I feel I can't.
I can't talk about these things without seeming crazy, without seeming obsessive, without worrying people, without the details.
I have so much in my head, and sometimes it's so much and it's too much.
Some days I cry alone to myself, because I've had it all pent up for so long with no one to talk to.
There's so much I don't even know where to start anymore.
I just feel so alone, like a burden.
Like I'm not worth shit, and like my mental illnesses are my fault.
Maybe I deserve all the shit life has thrown at me.
I hate myself, so much.
I keep telling everyone around me yo be positive, yet I'm such a hypocrite because I let my negativity eat me up at night.
A slave to my depression and anxiety.
Tonight, it's one of those rough nights.
I just want to curl up and cry.
I just want to let it all out.
I just want to cry and scream and just, fuck I don't even know anymore.
I just want to not feel this way anymore.
