1:27am
Sometimes i know I say i love you too much.
I know I can be annoying and clingy.
I know I dream too much, and maybe daydream of us too much.
Maybe it's because I miss you so much, and I can't help but think of you, and us.
How I've loved you, and had these feelings for so long.
How I can write endless stories filled with memories of us.
How I fought, and let the universe just take me along so I can finally say I'm by your side.
Damn it, im so in love with you.
I always have been.
You're all I've ever wanted. I wanted that best friend dynamic in a relationship, that comfort in each other, that silliness and happiness.
You, are all I could ask for.
No matter what, my heart always went to you.
Spending those years in high school with other people and thinking, maybe it wouldn't be like this if I was dating my best friend.
I waited, and waited for us to grow up, and be more mature about this possibility.
Because I knew that for a long time, you would be at risk of hurt if you had dated me before now, for i was so reckless for years.
And I finally was able to convince you to just go with feelings instead of being scared.
Well because we would always have each other.
Can I be honest?
I dated boys before yes, and I broke their hearts by being me. Or having stupid mistakes that could've easily been prevented.
I agreed to ideas and concepts before that I didn't truly feel.
I said what those people wanted me to say, because I knew they would be happy.
But for a long time, i admitted, that I couldn't see a future within myself, let alone with them. And they would get so hurt. At the time I couldn't see life and what it could be.
I couldn't see me working a job i wanted.
I couldn't see myself traveling and making memories with anyone because I could barely see it with myself.
I couldn't see myself, with a ring on my left hand.
I couldn't see myself in a bridal store trying on different dresses.
I couldn't see myself looking for apartments with my lover.
One of the ones that hurt the most, was trying to imagine my wedding day. Because I was never able to see myself looking into my reflection, with a smile on my face as I twirl with a beautiful white dress.
I couldn't see anyone loving me enough to wait at the end of that aisle, crying because they can't believe it's happening either.
My heart would ache because for most of my life, I have felt so unworthy and so undeserving of happy endings.
But now? I'm so scared, because I'm starting to see it.
I'm going to be 20 this year, and for the first time in my life, it's not just a dream.
I can see myself having adventures with my lover.
I can see a box filled with Polaroids or our favorite memories.
I can see myself growing older, and having someone there.
Growing and learning together.
And it's a beautiful thing to think of.
Everyone deserves for their fairytales to come true, and have happy endings.
Months ago, I had this moment with him, and im never going to forget it.
Seeing his beautiful chocolate eyes light up under the soft colorful glow above us. His laughter, his smile.
His soft dark hair getting in his face, and him laughing so hard at our blurry smiles as we kept spinning.
The colorful fireworks that illuminated the sky above us, filling the sky with neon colors.
That moment, was when I realized, that I love this boy in a way I didn't know I could love a person.
In that moment, I realized that I didn't want my life without him.
That is do so many things to make him happy, even if it meant having to get up and leave if he wanted me to.
I am in love, and it scares me.
Well, because I don't want anyone else.
I don't look at anyone else, I don't ever consider leaving him.
Having him in my bed, asleep next to me just feels so right.
Feeling his kiss is the only kiss I want to know for the rest of whatever can be forever with me.
Laying with him and listening to his heartbeat, it's the only heart I want to love me back.
Out of the many people that could've been by my side, I feel it's only right that I have him, and only him.
Is it selfish, to admit, that I want him all to myself, forever?
That I actually thought about maybe one day, finding a place to call home with him?
Or that i daydream of adopting a puppy together?
Or dream of taking road trips together and just creating the best of memories with each other?
That for the first time in my life, I dream of sharing a bed with him, and getting up early, just to make us breakfast and coffee so he can have a nice morning on the days we get to just spend together.
He makes me feel things that are so exciting, yet so scary.
But I'll just admit to it, he's all I want.
He's my world.
And I want it to be with him, that I spend whatever the rest of my life is gonna be.
Maybe he doesn't feel the same, maybe he doesn't want me the way I want him.
Maybe he doesn't see the potential I see.
Maybe he doesn't want me fur what we can call forever.
And that's why this is so scary, because I've fallen so long ago, and maybe he doesn't want me.
I try not to get sad over thinking about the day he gets up and leaves because he won't want me anymore.
But I'm gonna be honest, the day he leaves me, i think that's going to be the biggest and most painful heartbreak ever.
Because I want him, for the rest of my life, and if I can't, I know I will never love someone the way I love him.
But the only thing I can do, is embrace the days I'm given with him now, in this moment.
Because I have him now.
And all I can do, is hope.
