6:57pm
I'm sitting here, in this steaming shower.
I'm sitting here, letting the warm water run over my tired body.
I had a couple of bad dreams back to back last nights.
Sometimes I feel I wasn't meant for happiness.
My mind is so fucked up, and I let it eat me up.
I don't know what to do at times.
Run to my boyfriend? I'm only a burden.
Talk to my parents? At times they don't even know me.
Talk to my friends? What did, to be judged or have them blandly ignore me?
Fuck this life.
In my happiest moments, I hate knowing it's only me.
I'm never going to be loved by anyone in my life the way i love.
I'm lost, I'm nothing, I'm talentless, I'm lonely,
Who am I anymore?
I don't know.
It's funny, I was listening to my mom talk today.
Talk about her problems, and her life.
About my dad.
I will admit, I'm not the biggest fan of my dad.
Just not someone I enjoy being around the older I get.
I had a question answered today, that's been bothering me for a while.
He never cared enough when I was young, to actually stay because he loved my mom or my sister and I.
He only stayed and married my mom because my mom was pregnant.
I had my suspicions but now I know it's true.
He's just cold at times, and all.
I thought it could be different, maybe thinking how the internal family problems are temporary, and that I'd have hope.
I've lost all hope in someone loving me.
I love my family but I get the feeling they don't love me back at times, and now i know that my dad most likely doesn't truly love us.
That broke me right now.
People think I don't know things, but I know more than you realize:
I've seen and heard so much, and yet I keep it all to myself.
It hurts because how do I tell people about all the pain I've seen?
I know I'm not supposed to worry because it's out of my control.
But it hurts me knowing how nasty people can really be.
Now I sit here, silently crying in a hot shower, just wishing for better things for me and my family.
I wish for love.
But fuck, im not worthy.
I don't blame people for not loving me, i can't even love myself.
