8:48pm
I don't know how I've been surviving being stuck at home. It's finally getting to me.
My depression has been slowly acting out, and I'm doing my best to keep occupied so I don't break down or anything. But today it's been so hard to be okay for some reason. had a tough night last night and I tried not letting it affect me today.
I have little laughs here and there throughout my day.
But the second I got in the shower, it was was around 7:30pm.
I don't know what happened.
I just broke and cried.
The music playing loud, the only light that was on was the one that changes colors with the music.
I just stood there and cried. The shower itself wasn't my usual hot steamy showers I usually like to take.
It was like warm, maybe even a little cold compared to what im used to.
And I just stood there.
Sometimes i wish there was an easier way to leave everyone I care about without hurting them.
Just disappear.
I'm tired of feeling like a burden.
I'm tired of having these stupid fucking problems that I can't openly talk about.
I hate feeling like such a disappointment to everyone around me.
I'm literally the walking epitome of a fuck up and it's so frustrating because I feel that no one truly wants me in the end.
My brain keeps telling me over and over how worthless I am.
My anxiety makes me doubt everything that's told yo me, despite my brain knowing it's irrational.
I hate that my insecurities are forced to be a laughing stock so I don't seem so fucking sensitive.
I hate that my depression makes me feel so unmotivated, so lethargic.
As much as I didn't like my job because I got treated like shit, i became accustomed to having a life and growing up.
And now I've been stuck at home for 10 days straight.
And I can't take it.
I feel so hidden and scared.
I could go on and on. But I'm tired of sounding sad.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
