can i be honest?
100%, completely, honest?
This piece is going to be long and hearty, so if you get bored of my writing or get triggered easily by sensitive topics, or anything, I wouldn't suggest reading this one.
This quarantine somehow has broken parts of me down, a started building others.
I have been home since March 18th, and have only left the house once on a trip that took no longer than 20 minutes. That trip was on March 20th.
I have been home since then, the only human interaction i have is with my parents and my sisters.
The texts from my boyfriend, and occasional texts from my best friend.
My boyfriend is the only one that has actually consistently checked up on me, and texts me every day just to talk and all.
It's nice to feel like others care.
For other friends, it's almost like usual as to how much they don't talk to me.
Kind of makes me see who is really there for me, and who's just there for the fun parts.
I'll admit, being locked up, and trapped in this house does have it's downsides.
My anxiety feels bottled, which I noticed makes me more prone to snapping at people. And it also makes me jittery, and antisocial. I isolate myself even more, and just break down.
I get angry and frustrated easily when my anxiety is high, which makes my aura slightly hostile to the people that are around me.
Definitely not a good thing, but I'm happy I noticed it so I can work on it.
I also noticed, that with my anxiety, it tends to spiral very quickly. The overthinking, the bad thoughts, the actions to do something dramatic go up.
My anxiety tends to trigger certain ptsd memories, depending on what triggered the anxiety.
My mind can get dark extremely fast, and at times it's scary knowing what my mind is capable of thinking.
But in the end, I talk it out and have good people trying to help me out.
Also, I have social anxiety, that gets pretty bad at times. I struggle to voice out what I feel and think, out of fear and nervousness.
Think of it, like having to recite an important speech in front of many people.
You know those nervous butterflies and the sweaty palms and shaky hands? The tight throat, and the trembling voice? Weak legs and churning stomach?
You feel it right?
Now take that feeling, and imagine getting it for most social interactions.
That fancy restaurant got your order wrong?
That anxious feeling stops you from correcting them.
Friend makes a joke that offends you?
That anxious feeling, plus the fear of them invalidating those feelings.
Trying to due an activity in peace but family keeps interrupting?
That anxious feeling becomes discouraging, and makes you completely stop that activity.
It's everywhere, and in everything for the people like me.
I struggle yes, and at times still have these moments where my anxiety feels uncontrollable.
But I'll say, I'm better than I was.
I see growth, and that's what matters.
My depression at times makes a comeback, especially when my anxiety takes over. The sadness is elongated. My thoughts are filled with negativity. The bad emotions seem so dragged on.
My mind picks on my insecurities, and bullies me.
My worst critic and bully is myself in the end.
There was a point in my life, where this hit so bad, that I was self harming for years.
From middle school, to after graduation in high school.
It took various forms.
Cutting, bruising, burning, drinking, smoking, keeping toxic people around, being dangerously reckless, and almost getting into drugs.
I was a mess for a long time.
But im better now. Have been mostly sober since the end of last summer.
Yeah I occasionally drink with moderation, and thats socially.
I stopped smoking cigarettes, and stopped doing the occasional ecstasy.
I stopped going out with the people that thought it was funny to drive buzzed, and race on the freeway high.
I stopped the guy that was hooking up with me for a bit because I realized I deserve more than just a hook up.
I found out how to express myself instead of doing hard to my physical being, and this is the biggest one, writing.
I'm in a much better place now.
I have a loving boyfriend, I have loving best friends, I have a roof over my head, I have goals I'm working towards.
I'm beginning to actually see a future for myself and see myself alive and reaching my goals, no matter how small they are.
It's nice to finally sit back, and say that I'm getting a hold of my life after so many years of me fighting my own silent battles just to stay alive.
This quarantine has had its upsides too, it hasn't been all bad.
I'm getting back to working out so I can at least get into shape, which is good considering I have gained weight and overall am not too happy with my current physical self.
But that soreness and tiredness is always a reward in itself, because I know im doing something good for myself.
I'm getting back to writing, and reading, which are some of my biggest escapes.
Reading and writing poetry will always be something I hold dear to me.
I'm expanding my music taste and listening to many new artists, and getting back in touch with my old music tastes.
I'm spending lots of time with my pets, and strengthening the bond with my guinea pig.
I've created a skincare routine for myself that actually works and my skin has been looking better.
There's has been a lot more good than bad during this quarantine, and I'm glad it's that way.
It has also given me a lot of time to sit back, and think about my life, and where I want it to go.
I'm still wanting to be a mechanic, which should be fun. Always had a secret passion towards cars I was too nervous to express.
Maybe they dont make the best money, but I'd rather do something with my life that I enjoy.
It's gonna be a bit expensive to go to trade school, but I'll make it work.
I also want to work on learning to do adult things, like taxes, paying for my car and insurance, saving up to move out, all that.
I'm not getting younger, but I'm still young enough to have the wiggle room for mistakes, and learning from them.
It's gonna be hard yes, but I'm gonna have to learn to do these things one way or another.
I'm also nervous about my life you know?
For so many years I couldn't see a life for myself.
And now it's scary growing up, because I didn't think I'd make it this far.
My dreams have potential now.
Who knows what I'll do.
I wanna travel, I wanna try new foods, I wanna grow out my hair again, i wanna get tattoos, I wanna get married, I wanna have road trips, I wanna own pets.
I have so much I can actually have a shot at accomplishing because, I believe I can make it.
And honestly, this is something I'm actually kind of nervous to admit to.
But for so long, I told myself and everyone around me that I never want kids.
That I don't want to be a mother. That I just can't see myself being a mom.
I'm scared. I'm so scared that I won't be good enough.
That I won't find someone who will want that life with me, and have a kid with me, and raise that kid.
I'm scared that I won't be good enough for my kid, or that I won't be able to give them what they want.
I'm scared, because I've seen what broken family can do to people.
I come from a childhood, knowing all the things the adults didn't want me to know and keeping quiet.
I grew up, knowing things about people I wish I didn't know at times.
But today I sat back, and let go of those fears for just a little bit.
And I thought, what if I could be a good mother?
What if I want to have just one baby to call mine.
A baby to hold and cherish, and give all my love to.
The restless nights that will be worth it.
The cries that only I will know to help.
To be there to witness so many firsts, and have my own firsts as well.
I want to feel that responsibility of being a mother, knowing that I have to fight to give the world to my baby.
I want a small family to call my own.
I want the walls to have pictures of me, my baby, and the person that chooses to be a parent with me.
the person I can love and call my partner.
I want to have my camera filled with so many pictures of my family.
I'm teary eyes typing this.
My whole life, I've seen myself and this fuck up, as this useless person.
Someone who can't do anything right.
But I deserve happiness.
I deserve love, and I deserve for my dreams to come true.
I want to get married.
I want to work a job I'm going to like.
I want a cute cozy place to call home.
I want someone to call asleep with every night.
I want my own little family and pets.
I want to travel and make memories I won't forget.
I want love, and not have the fear to openly love.
I can finally see it, a life for me.
I just hope, and wish that I can do it.
