3/8/2020
okay my life isn't bad at all right now. I'm moving on with my life, getting a new job soon, dating my best friend, my family bonds are bettering, im gaining love and confidence.
Everything is working out after years of pain and agony and just a lot.
I've owned up to my imperfections and mistakes now, and it's all made me who I am today.
But honestly? at moments I still feel really lost with certain things.
I'm in love with my boyfriend. Like, I'm actually going to admit it, he's the first person that I 100% honestly see myself being with for whatever the rest of my life is. Fuck it, seeing the way he is with kids made me even consider, that if it was with him MAYBE one kid wouldn't hurt. I've never ever wanted kids, but he's changing so much.
And I'm so scared that I'm falling too hard. But I realized this hurt will be inevitable, because I fell for him long ago.
But I'm loving every single day that I'm able to still call him mine. I'm just living the way I want until he decides he doesn't want me anymore. -
also, I'm lost with... myself? Like, I'm slowly opening up more about things, I'm actually learning to express myself, and not conform to this constant idea that people have of me. I actually am learning to say and do what I want, maybe it's a bit late for it but rather late than ever. I'm just scared at times with the things I get interested in, because of my fear of rejection.
But it's okay, the right people will help me take all these baby steps to help me become the real me.
Lastly, I'm almost finished with a piece of writing I've been working on for the past year. It's small, but it's my story.
A few day's ago, I actually updated a couple pieces that were really hard for me to talk about before.
But now I'm not ashamed, scared at times still, but I can't change the way I was treated by my ex. I can't take back my innocence, I can't take those pieces back of myself, I can't make him see how badly he really hurt me.
It was so hard to write about, but I'm ready to just put my story out there now.
Let's hope the best, and hope that nothing bad happens with my writing.
But yeah that's what's on my mind tonight
