So I had an interesting day today.
A friend needed something so I went with her.
It was nice, i was introduced to her other friend and she's sweet I like her.
I had a lot coffee today, im surprised my stomach didn't hurt.
But I do feel a little jittery because I'm just in my room with not much to do.
My kitchen is being worked on and I can't go in there and I'm not exactly comfy walking about while the wall is being torn down.
I'm currently sitting On my bedroom floor eating alone.
I changed into sweats and a tank top. Earlier I was wearing a dress and knee socks and I looked nice.
I took a lot of pictures, mostly cute, a couple of lewds.
I try my best to build my confidence by taking lots of pictures, just so I can look back and remember I felt good and know that I didn't feel ugly.
But the frustrating part about me, is I like taking lewds, or pictures that might be sexualized or whatever.
And no, it's not to get everyone's attention or whatever.
For a long time, I felt I lost my self and my body.
I feel my body was unlovable and ugly.
My own temple was ripped of all sanctuary and hope.
After I was taken advantage of by my ex, and raped, I was ashamed to look at myself and feel attractive.
But this past year and a half, I've slowly started to accept my body, and learn to live it.
Every curve, every scar, every stretch mark, everything; im learning to claim me as my own again.
I keep having these claims of my body, and sexuality.
Every picture of myself, I feel I'm taking me back, im loving me.
I am learning that no one else will take my body away from me again, because my body deserve love, and kindness.
So I'm openly trying to be confident, and love me.
Many people tend to have a problem with it, saying I'm a hoe or trying to be nothing but a women of sex appeal with no more.
But that's not it.
I don't do this for the attention.
I do it out of confidence, out of love, out of knowing I can show my body how I want, and claim it as mine.
I honestly, struggle at times with my sexuality.
As a women, we are seen as objects at times, and we are seen as only pleasure, not a person.
But I know im not that.
I know I'm valid to want pleasure as much as the next person.
I'm worthy of giving in without being used.
I am allowed to want to feel sexy, without being scared or being judged.
Sometimes I sit back and think, that at times I can be too much when I get in tune with my sexuality.
I am confident and I feel a lot.
And I just laugh, because I finally can feel that way.
It's not that I want to just fuck someone and say I did it out of 'why not'.
I trust my body, and what I feel.
Sex isn't casual to me.
If I'm intimate with a person, that's special to me.
I remember every touch, the scent of them, the soft sounds that can fill the room.
I just think of being able to feel good, but I don't want to seem selfish.
My mind just begs,
touch me here, kiss me here, run your fingers through my hair, caress my body with care, make me feel loved and good.
Let me do it to you too, you're just as valid to feel pleasure like I am.
Don't fuck me if you don't want to, but there's no harm in all the touches, in the kisses, in any of that.
Let's make eachother feel good with fully giving in.
Let's show eachother it's possible to let go, in that pleasurable release, without fully giving in.
.....
So I realized I just kind of went off and let go without thinking of what I was saying.
I should write erotic poetry haha I think i can do that well.
But I just had to share these thoughts.
Because it's what's currently in my mind.
I might upload more later tonight, or tomorrow.
But this is it right now for this.
