i just feel off today.
my insecurities paining me, and my anxiety just being, well crazy.
Today the bad thoughts are slowly eating away at me, and i hope by typing this out, i can get some type of relief because i feel like I burden the people I try to talk to.
I woke up normal, well, kinda.
Yesterday, the insecurities started.
My mind started running over everything.
How so many things in life are inevitable.
Can't someone just lie to me and tell me it will be okay?
Can't someone actually stay by my side forever and unconditionally?
Can't the people around me love me?
Can I be honest?
Today i sat down in my room, and listened to my stomach rumble.
I haven't eaten yet today, and am debating if I should.
And then my minds first thought
"Starve, your body can use it."
Ouch, thanks brain.
Then for some reason, the smallest things make me over think.
I was texting someone, and for some reason, i felt something off about them. Maybe they're tired? Upset? Something on their mind?
But my mind automatically went to,
"You did something. It's your fault theyre upset.
It's always your fault. Maybe if you shut up for once people would like you. Maybe if you were prettier it would be easier for you. Maybe if you weren't you people would love you."
And after that, it all went crumbling down.
My chest ached and my throat was swallowing this ball that was stuck.
My eyes stung with tear, and my voice felt shaky and weak.
I feel weak.
Maybe it's the lack of proper hydration, or healthy sleep, or current bad eating habits.
But everyday i keep telling myself im gonna get better.
But it seems so hard to get up out of bed sometimes.
How can i do everything else, when i feel i can't get out of bed?
I talked about how I was feeling today.
Saying my insecurities were eating me up, and my anxiety is causing it to go down into a hole.
I was given an idea I haven't been given before.
To write something down about myself every morning, something i like.
and remember that all day.
It's worth a shot. Right?
But then after when i was thinking i was okay, well becoming okay, something got me a bit down again.
This person asking if I could confide in them, since I trust them.
And that is extremely true, I do talk to them a lot, and tell them everything. I trust them, they're my best friend.
But I openly admitted my fear of opening up.
About how last time I opened myself up, it was to a person to messed me up.
My ex boyfriend was one of the people I thought I could trust.
But after I broke up with him, so many doors started opening up.
I learned about how he knew of everything.
My insecurities, my fears, my self deprecating habits, my life story, my happiness, my favorite foods, my favorite places, how I viewed life as so much more, and how all I ever wanted was the cliche poetic love you see in those stupid movies, or the love stories I've grown up reading.
He knew it all, and threw it all away.
He betrayed my trust, he broke that trusted, he passed lines he should've never passed.
He talked about all of my deepest darkest thoughts with other people like it was casual conversation.
Exposing my most vulnerable sides, to the people that never deserved to know me that way.
Him manipulating my brain and twisting it all around so much, me knowing that if I leave, so much of me is in him.
It was like ripping myself up when I left him.
So much of me was gone.
And now, that's always going to be in my mind.
The fear of someone treating me like that again.
I'm so scared to confide in someone else like that again, because life isn't guaranteed.
I dream of having someone who will love me in a poetic and beautiful way, someone who looks at me and thinks that they have won at life.
Someone who finds beauty in all of me, onside and out.
Someone who won't use me or think of me as just a paragraph in a chapter of their life.
I deserve something good don't you think?
I just want someone to want me for the long run.
And it hurts when I look at my boyfriend, my friends, or my family.
Because I know it's not all guaranteed.
Hell, I even told these people this fear.
And it's the same answer every time.
Some quote on how forever isn't real and people aren't mean to be a forever.
That people come and go, and you can't force people to stay.
That some things have to happen.
But damn it this is the happiest I have been since middle school.
I was taken, i was a victim to my depression and anxiety at such a young age.
I lost my youth to constantly playing games with the reaper and letting that darkness eat me up, and spit me out once it got its fair share of light.
I was left a skeleton.
I had to try and build my happiness and good life up from rock bottom.
I live with depression, and at times it's hard to not let it define me, when it was all I was for so long.
I am going to be 20 this year, and I am barely learning to live. I've been working hard the past couple years, just so I can finally, and genuinely say that I no longer want to die all day of every day.
I no longer harm myself, and I am better than I was years ago.
I sit back and look at my life right now.
And despite my anxiety and depression still living in the back of my mind, I am happy.
I have friends that actually are good friends, and make me feel included. There's so many thongs we all have in common, and can relate to. We all have things in common and I trust them with a bit.
My mom and I finally don't seem to hate each other, which is a good feeling when I look back and see how bad we were to each other for a long time. I love that now I can actually hug her without it feeling forced for fake. That I can spend time with her and not feel hostile or defensive.
I look at my boyfriend, and i think how the hell I got so lucky to be dating my best friend. How being with him, makes me feel that love that I thought I could never feel. That seeing him smile lights me up, and hearing him laugh makes me laugh. Or how just laying with him makes me feel like I could live in a moment forever.
How when I look at my bedroom, I am finally expressing myself and doing things I've always wanted.
I look at my pets and smile, I look at my clothes and smile, I look at my life right now, and think, and KNOW that this is all I want.
Forever, or for whatever I can call forever.
I want these people, these relationships, this feeling to never end.
After so fucking long, don't I deserve this?
