Downside

3

This was last year, and I was going through a hard time. There are no exact dates, but I can say it was around the second half of last year.
I'm going to upload the first part of this, then the rest of this will be picture of what I said.

If you get triggered easily, please don't read this one.

So I know I'm annoying because all I talk about is depressing or stupid things. I get that. But straight up, I feel like such a burden to the people around me. I feel so selfish because at times, I just need to talk about me but I already talk too much so fuck me.
Anyways.
Lately I've been dragging myself out of a small pit I fell in recently. I've honestly gone extremely down hill since my break up earlier this year. I've been doing all the wrong things to numb myself and I realize I'm fucking myself up a lot. I'm slowly deteriorating and falling apart.
I was in love with a guy for around a year, to find out, he didn't truly love me since day 1. To find out he wasn't loyal what's so ever. To find out how much he got into my head and fucked up my life. How he separated me from the life I had before. How he made my anxiety worse. How at times, I thought suicide would only be the only way I could leave it all.
In December of2018, I had enough of him. I tried suicide one night, and obviously didn't succeed. One free afternoon I spent with him, he got me high, and almost got me pregnant because I was mentally out of it and not making sense.
There was multiple times we had sex, and I felt like such an object. I would tell him not today or that I didn't want it. But it never mattered what I said because he would always end up fucking me anyways. I remember he once clearly saw I was upset after sex and said that everything was fine. I went home upset and had to lie to my parents, saying it was a minor argument.
The one night I can't forget, is when he forced himself onto me, and I was in so much pain. I remember trying to crawl away and trying to laugh off my pain. All he did was laugh and force me down and I couldn't get away. I remember years in my eyes and biting my lip til it bled. I remember telling him to stop, and he took that as a more. I almost screamed from pain and told him to stop because 'it felt too good and I couldn't stay quiet'. He finally stopped after I threaded that I couldn't keep quiet.
I went home that night bleeding, and crying myself to sleep. No one knew a thing. People still don't know.