****TRIGGER WARNING: graphic violence, ptsd, trauma, abuse*****
It's been a while since I've updated.
A lot has been good recently.
I got a job, i am happy in my relationship, I've made many memories within the time I've last written til now.
I got a tattoo, I spent day's with my boyfriend, i am working at a job i actually enjoy, and im finally getting more in touch with myself.
But honestly, I hate how as happy as I am, THERES always a dark side to my life and my eyes I can't control.
Last night, he turned my dream to a nightmare.
hurting me over and over again.
My dream was calm, it was collected.
My dream was of me and my boyfriend that I love with every bit of me. And in my dream, I was with him here at home. Enjoying ourselves and each other.
I remember hearing a knock and being confused, only for me to turn and see my own reflection in my hallway mirror.
My abuser stood behind me, hand in my hair, just like he used to love doing to me. My scalp burning at his touch and my eyes refusing to break contact with his. His were so cold, only filled with hatred.
My eyes turned, only to see my boyfriend a bloody mess on the floor.
Everything went silent, only a faint hum filled the air as i screamed, as i fought to get out of the grip I was in, just to reach for the boy I love.
My scalp still burning, and the familiar feeling of fingers being shoved in my mouth to shush me.
I cried and cried, and felt his hand snake from my hair , only to wrap around my neck.
I remember feeling my body pinned, being unable to breath, crying, my throat raw from whatever strangled noises i could muster.
It was blurry to the eye, and fuzzy in the dream.
But those are feelings im never going to forget.
That pain, that anxiety, feeling cold.
I shot up at around 2:30am, in sweat and panting for breath.
I felt so suffocated.
I woke up crying and felt so helpless.
Because i feel no matter how good my life is getting, the shadow that follows beneath my feet; is filled with what nightmares are made of, my worst fears, my traumas.
I smile, but there are some nights dread to sleep because im so tired of feeling his hands, im so tired of feeling his breath, im so tired of feeling the bruises and my hair hurting.
Im tired of seeing my lips beg him for mercy.
I am tired of it.
I hate his name, i hate his face, i hate how he hurt me, i hate how me tore me apart, I hate how he took away so much from me.
Michael.
Benjamin.
Perez. (Or Araya since you use your uncles fame to try and excuse your need for attention)
I. Hate. You.
After so fucking long, around a year and a half later, i Can finally fucking say your name without breaking down. I can finally say your name, and claim you as my abuser, as my rapist, as my reason for believing I deserved nothing.
You raped me Michael.
You abused me Michael.
And you know what?
I wasn't the first girl.
Remember that one night after we broke up, and you came by to grab your trash bag of belonging that I absolutely ruined?
She was there with me, saying how I wasn't alone.
She understood the pain you caused me, because I wasn't the only one.
She got you on a voice recording that night when she talked to you, admitting to raping her.
Admitting that you knew she said no multiple times, admitting that you felt her push you away, admitting that you overpowered her.
Only to claim that she enjoyed it so that it was her fault.
And I don't know how strong she is, i know she's scared, and I will say i am too.
But, we built each other up, and i learned that my voice matters.
My voice isn't just for me, but for her too.
Michael, you hurt people you care about and claim it's love.
You blame a broken childhood, and dysfunctional family for your flaws.
But any person would know, that it's not where you come from, but it's where you choose to go from there.
You weren't human enough to learn any sense of compassion or patience for anyone other than yourself.
You're selfish and always have been.
You're inconsiderate, and expect the world to baby you simply because your mama tries to spoil you, even when you make the worst of mistakes.
You blame your issues on what happens behind closed doors, but don't you see?
You are no different from what you say you hate so much.
You let your demons take over, and now, you're one of my most traumatizing demons.
It was my mistake thinking I could save you.
But you're far from what anyone who loves you can handle.
You are the reason I wake up crying and gasping for air in the middle of the night.
You are the reason I have so many doubts in the people around me at times.
You are the reason I flinch when people make certain gestures around me.
You are the reason I lost myself for a long ass year.
You are a terrible person, and I hope you realize how much you've fucked up, because karma is one hell of a bitch, and I'd say she definitely has it in for you when the time is right.
