Never Going Back Again

44. The Perfect Nightmare

That night, Stevie had called her children as she said out to and then she found herself tucked into her husband's bed.

Lindsey soon came up the stairs of his home and he kind of glanced at her before he started changing his clothes. "Is Lori okay with the kids?" he asked.

"She is, but I'm not doing a short notice babysitting job again," she assured him. "You don't want me to tell the girls everything, but you want me to leave the kids with no reason..." She had to point out only because moments ago, he was complaining about them knowing too much.

He nodded, knowing they shouldn't have, but needed his wife at the moment. Even if he didn't want to need her, he knew he did because she was, in fact, the air he breathed. He then sat down on the edge of the bed; his thought still swarming everything that they were talking about---his mind just wasn't with her at the moment.

"I don't know what else it is you have to say..." she lingered a moment. "But just so you know, I don't appreciate the way you've been treating me. I allowed you to demean me, just because I thought I deserved it and I'm telling you right now, if it continues, we're gonna have a bigger problem," she addressed calmly.

"I'm sorry," he laid back on his back and he turned to his side to face her---hand meeting the side of her arm.

She kind of closed her eyes, her moods only shifting between anger and sincerity.

"I really am, Stevie," he shook his head. "I'm sorry I've been an asshole lately, I know I have, but I just don't know what to do with myself right now..."

"Lindsey, I understand you're frustrated. I understand better than anyone how it feels to be sorry after taking anger out... But I don't understand why you don't come to me for this type of thing," she assured.

"Because I know I could, I just didn't want to," he shrugged. "No offense, but you were problematic and I just didn't want to go there and... I did, but I didn't mean to."

"Keeping it bottled and then coming at me in a hurtful way, isn't going to fix our problems... Having sex with me and then being an asshole to me doesn't do anything but hurt me. I know I'm not one to talk, I had and shared my problems, but I'm trying to help you. Just like you tried to help me."

"I know," he nodded.

"You keep saying that," she mentioned---hand falling on his chest. All she wanted to do was pound her head into the wall because he was making her crazy.

He didn't really want to respond, though she wanted to lecture and his simple responses kept her sure he was at least listening. But she was angry and he knew that, so he wouldn't cross her.

"But you're right," he claimed. "I know what I wanted; from the beginning, I wanted things to be the same as you were pulling away. You were so upset and scared and I wanted to alleviate that and maybe I was jealous in some sort of way. But by the last year, I felt something just turn and I couldn't even contain the rage... It was a jealousy, rage that was stuck on the fact that I couldn't have you when I needed you and then, at the time, the mother you were being. It bothered me because I know full and well that you are a strong woman and watching you was like watching a flower welt."

"I don't like who I was either," she shrugged very faintly. "I don't know who it is I am now, but I'm making do with her..."

"I love her," he assured, kissing her hand.

"Do you?" she asked, trying to read that as the truth. "I think back to five years ago, how different we were; loving, passionate, the fear of keeping our kids safe. Now we're so scattered and I've been trying..."