Always

twenty-four

K Y L E R

"And I'm so damn sorry that we almost kissed." I regretted those words the second they left my mouth and I hated myself so much for lying to her right now but I couldn't help it.

I wasn't sorry for what happened last night. I wish I was but I wasn't. I didn't regret a single second spent with Luna and for some odd reason I hated that. And I hated myself even more for it.

I hated myself for acting the way I was acting. I had no right to be mad. I had no right to be upset. It's not like she's mine. It's not like we agreed to be exclusive or something. Hell, we barely even kissed. It didn't mean anything.

But right now, I felt hurt and angry and broken all at once and the last person I wanted to see was her. Because I knew that the second I would see her I'd break. And I didn't want her to see me like that.

"Just leave, Luna." I looked around, trying to avoid her hurt gaze as tears filled my own eyes. I hated how broken and vulnerable I sounded as I spoke and how utterly pathetic I felt in that moment.

"Go home." And she did, slowly shutting the door to my room behind her as she walked away.

I inhaled shakily, backing up slightly till my back was pressed against the wall. I screwed my eyes shut tightly, trying to take deep breaths as my lungs began to close up. My legs felt weak and my knees hurt from the weight of my body. I let myself slide down, pulling my knees closer to my chest and bringing my hands up and tangling them in my hair as tears began rolling down my cheeks.

Why the hell am I crying?

I gasped for air and it felt like there was a crushing weight on my chest. Tears blurring my vision and I closed my eyes as they streamed down my face. I wanted to get up and grab my pills. I wanted to calm myself down. But I felt too exhausted and drained to even move so I let myself gasp and sob for no reason.

But there was a reason. There could have been so many reasons that I didn't know which one had caused this breakdown.

I was mad because the girl who almost kissed me last night was with another guy tonight. I was annoyed at Sam for bringing me to that stupid game because if I had stayed at home, I wouldn't have seen anything. I was angry at my parents for starting an argument with me as soon as I got back. And I was so damn mad at myself for acting like that with Luna because she didn't deserve it.

Sobs racked through my body and I closed my eyes tighter, burying my head between my knees. I tugged at my hair slightly as tears continued to stream down my face. I almost let out a loud cry as painful thoughts clouded my head.

You're pathetic.
You're a waste of space.
Seriously, no one likes you.
You're own dad doesn't love you-

A small, weak whimper left my lips and I lifted my head, banging it against the wall behind me. I slammed my hands on the floor on either side of me, bending forwards slightly as my shoulders shook with the heavy sobs. I tried to calm myself down and to stop crying but the more I tried, the harder it got.

So I just brought my hands up to my head and covered my face, letting myself break in the middle of the night.

Because that's just what us broken kids do, right?