Always

fifty-three

K Y L E R
"And I don't wanna let this go, I don't wanna lose control
I just wanna see the stars with you."

It had been five days. Five days since Luna's attempt. Five days since everything in my life seemed to be falling apart completely. And never in my life have five days felt so long.

Ever since that day, everything seemed to...stop. Yet at the same time, things were moving far too fast for my liking.

Sleep was one of those things which seemed to have left my side for the time being. Mom had contacted the hospital and asked them to provide me with a bottle of sleeping pills, but I never took them. I couldn't even look at the label on the white bottle without my stomach churning and my head feeling light, let alone actually take a couple for a night's rest.

I didn't feel the need to go back to school at all. It was a waste of time, now more than ever. I really couldn't think of leaving Luna's side to go sit in a place crowded with those fake assholes all pitying me and constantly reminding me of everything that had happened. I didn't want to go see the banners and cards and balloons they had pasted on her lockers in person. I hated them enough when I saw all of those things in the picture Sam had sent me just yesterday and I don't know if I would be able to stop myself from ripping everything to shreds the second I enter the school vicinity.

And apart from that, I simply couldn't imagine leaving Luna's side at all. Even when I knew she had Tanner around. Even when I knew she wasn't alone. I couldn't bring myself to leave this stupid hospital. It didn't matter if I spent my entire time beside her either crying my eyes out or blabbering nonsense to her unconscious self, what mattered was that I was at least there with her. And she was there with me. That was all that matter. That was all I needed.

Without her, everything felt hazy, unreal. It was like I was in this weird trance and I hated every single second of it. It wasn't the type of trance which brought me comfort in any way. Instead, all it did was create this constant restless and irritating feeling inside of me. And I hated it.

I couldn't seem to do anything without her. Luna had made everything in my life so much easier and much more exciting than it used to be. I didn't realise how drastically everything changed as soon as she stepped into my life and now that she was slipping out from between my hands, all those colourful, bright days, nights spent wandering the streets, five am breakfast dates, and even the messy, tearful parts felt like such blessings. And I knew that I would never take anything of that sort for granted ever again.

The lyrics of eight letters by why don't we were blasting out of my headphones as I walked down the blank, empty hospital hallways and I felt like I would burst into tears any second. I had no idea why I was torturing myself so much by bringing back old memories of us but I simply couldn't seem to stop.

By now, I had memorized every part of this hallway, from the small water dispenser in the corner to the numbers on each door. And along with that, I knew all the paths by heart so it didn't take my feet long to carry me all the way to room 113. I didn't notice how my heartbeat had picked up it's pace and now that I was standing right in front of her hospital room, the drumming of my heart could be heard over the music in my ears. My hands landed on the cold, metal door handle and I wasted no time in turning it and stepping inside.

Pulling my headphones down from my ears, I could hear the loud, annoying beeps coming from all the machines surrounding the plain white bed in the center of the room. And laying on the bed was a body which made me feel like I was about to break down into sobs even now, five days later.